


A song of endless regret

by lillash97



Series: 지금 널 찾아가고 있어 (Run To You) [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, BoyxBoy, Character Death, Dino - Freeform, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kwon Jiyong - Freeform, M/M, Mild Language, SeokSoo, Soonhoon - Freeform, Threats of Violence, jeongcheol - Freeform, meanie, mild everything, nothing too graphic, verkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-10 18:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15954629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillash97/pseuds/lillash97
Summary: All I could hear was the silent song of everlasting regret. As the years passed by, and the line between life and death slowly grew thinner, the earth and heaven endure the sorrow. My heart, my mind, my everything was still clouded with the thought of you, your smile, your eyes, your scent. I watched you as you closed your eyes, embracing your body, taking your last breath. I couldn’t protect you. I had failed you.





	1. Prologue: everlasting regret

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by  
> Bai Ju Yi - Changhen ge "song of endless sorrow"  
> Yuan Zheng - the pitcher  
> Tao Qian - Tao hua yuan "Peach blossom spring"
> 
>  
> 
> this is what happens to me after studying chinese literature for over a month, save me.

 A song of ever lasting sorrow

All I could hear was the silent song of everlasting regret. As the years passed by, and the line between life and death slowly grew thinner, the earth and heaven endure the sorrow. My heart, my mind, my everything was still clouded with the thought of you, your smile, your eyes, your scent. I watched you as you closed your eyes, death embracing your body, taking your last breath. I couldn’t protect you. I had failed you.

Heir of an underground organization, Kwon Soonyoung didn't expect to fall in love. However when he met him, he thought his beauty could topple an empire. Creamy pale skin contrasting oh so beautifully with crimson red hair.

He couldn’t stop looking, he couldn’t refrain himself from thinking how he would feel within his embrace. He wanted to get to know him, he wanted to share his home. It was hard. Jihoon was not the easiest type to approach, son of his father’s best friend and partner in crime.

Jihoon kept pushing him aside, keeping a safe distance. He didn’t want to get involved, but every time he caught himself peeking a look, from how focused Soonyoung looked when he would stare at his dad speaking – to  how he would turn his back, after Jihoon had shot him a look.

After two years of push and pull, a fatal event brought them closer than they ever were. Soonyoung’s father had died of cancer. Jihoon was there, beside him, never once leaving him alone. He knew Soonyoung needed him, had loved him for a long time already. He, too, was tired of this game he had gotten caught himself and the other in.

Strolling through the mansion, with a determinate look and firm steps, he walked into the private spa. “I need to talk to you” he said.  Soonyoung was standing there, a bathrobe loosely hanging from his shoulders – when he turned around, recognizing his voice. No time was wasted when the slightly smaller man dashed over him, grabbing his cheeks to connect their lips.

Sudden warmth washed over them, the need of feeling each other closer. Soonyoung, circling  the smaller’s waist with his arms –  brought him even closer, chests meeting.

Jihoon grabbed a fistful of his hair, biting at his bottom lip, tugging slowly at it to only release it a few seconds later. He wanted to look at his eyes. Staring at each other for like it seemed an eternity, the taller brought an hand to his face, caressing his cheeks – slightly decorated with a reddish hue. “If this is the way you want to talk to me, then I’d have to make you sing” he said, picking up the other. Back against a concrete wall.

With lips meeting, tongues slightly brushing over each other, feverish mouths and hands – that night they found themselves locked in place, the steam of the private hotspring ghosting over their bodies. Locked, but lost in eachother, in their own private high. Coming down, steamy water welcoming them.

 Soonyoung admired the latter’s forehead, as the crimson red hair were swept back. Playing with the wet hair, he lowered his eyes to meet Jihoon’s. “Took you long enough to realize I was there for you” he whispered, his mouth now ghosting over the soft expanse of creamy skin, where the neck meets the shoulder.

“I realized time doesn’t wait for people” Jihoon whispered back, playing with the petals surrounding them. Nibbling and leaving small bites on his shoulder,  lips found their way towards his neck and jaw “so I, we shouldn’t waste the time we have”.

Soonyoung smiled at him for a moment, his eyes disappearing in thin, pointy lines when a serious look casted on his face “Stay with me” he said

“I’ll stay with you, always”

Even if one day I’m far away from you who bloomed like a flower inside of me, my heart will be with yours.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

“How is the drug traffic going in the Golden Triangle?” dressed in expensive black matted suit, Soonyoung stood by the window of his office, phone in his hands as he checked missions development.

“Ready to be smuggled to China and then to Europe”  the man on the other side spoke, a faint Chinese accent still ghosting over his Korean.

“Good, report to me by tomorrow” closing the call and turning his phone off, he picked his jacket and went outside. Thoughts clouded his mind. He needed Jihoon.

Said man was still in dreamland when Soonyoung got home, draggy feet entering their shared room. Removing his clothes and changing in more comfy ones, he sat down on the bed.  He stared at his sleeping form. Always sleeping, are you? Unconsciously smiling, he reached over to trace imaginary lines on his forehead, then his nose, then his lips – when  a firm hand caught his wrist. With force, a sleepy Jihoon pulled him all over himself, nuzzling his nose against his neck.

“Did something happen? I felt your thoughts while I was sleeping.”

“Jihoon...”

“mh?”

“I don’t know if I can keep going like this, doing what I do. I never wanted to be what my father was” sighing, Soonyoung lowered his eyes.

“I never wanted to be what my father was too, but we were born from them. Our place in this world is to do bad stuff, which is considered as bad because of the labels society has put on the standards of what is considered good and bad. ” Gently running his hands over his back, he said “I never wanted to justify my actions, neither those of people around me. I just do what I was told and taught to do in this life”

“I’m scared this life would bring us apart”

“It won’t, Soonyoung.”

“If It happens?”

“We will find each other again, and again.”

***********************************************************************************************************************************

03/08/2018   America, LA  11.30 am

“Honestly, I can’t believe you are actually marrying Jihoon” a loud, obnoxious voice echoed in the room, receiving a nasty look from his victim.

“Seungkwan, I’m older then you” he shot him a nasty look, only to receive a pouty “So what?”

“Who told you to drop honorifics?”

“You” grinning triumphantly, he reached over his papillion and fixed it. “Seriously, Soonie. I can’t believe it. You were always all over him, and he didn’t even spare at glance at you at first. And if he did, it was to mercilessly kill you with his eyes.” Seungkwan really enjoyed teasing him.

Rolling his eyes “Well, not everyone is an easy going fool like your boyfriend” he remarked

“All right, boss touché” Seungkwan raised his hands in the air, admitting defeat “we have five minutes, you should hurry to the aisle, I’ll go and check on Jihoon”

I should butcher him and hide his body… but then his foul spirit would come back at bite my own ass. Okay, focus Soonyoung. Today you are marring him, the love of your life, the only flower in your heart, don’t make a fool of yourself, you are a mafia boss by the way...

With hilarious thoughts, he walked to the aisle where one of his old friends, occasionally a pastor, occasionally a professional target remover stood. “Jisoo, thank you for hosting our wedding”

“It’s okay man, I own you and your family a lot, now focus” said Jisoo stated, bible in his hands

Soon the doors of the hall opened, revealing a bright looking Jihoon. Dressed in pure white, with a deep red rose over his chest, he walked slowly towards Soonyoung. The latter extended a hand to him, his eyes disappearing in an bright smile.

Jihoon took his hand, never leaving him as pastor Jisoo chanted his formulas, asking them to exchange their vows.

“I take you as my husband, my partner in crime, my only one, with the promise of sharing our last breath. Together as if we are meant to be, hoping to see you again and again, to love you even harder, even if I’m aching. You, the quiet you, that with your silent eyes, told more than any voice could do, taught me what serenity was. You stood by me, during my darkest moments, you’ve seen my ups and my downs, and you shone bright all over me, even when you were in your shadows. To the you who is standing now right in front of me, I promise now forever” A teary looking Soonyoung said, a small smile still resting at the corner of his lips

Those words, this smile, those eyes. Jihoon’s breath hitched, feeling every curve and every hedge of his emotions right through him, seeping under his skin – settling over his quivering heart.

 He took a nice breath, steading his shaking voice. “I take you as my husband, my partner in crime, my only one as I promise to be with you, now, then, to far and beyond. I’ve never thought I could learn to love a person like I grew to love you. I didn’t understand why you were always beside me, taking every opportunity to start a small talk, to ask me how I was doing.  If I had eaten, If I was sleeping well at night. Unconsciously, I started slipping in your warmth, in your embrace. I wanted to be with you but my self-cantered ego told me to stay away, to turn my back from you, to not love you. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t keep myself from your everything, I couldn’t stay away. I had to be with you. The you who always shone brighter than any other stars, the one who always protected me, even from my own selfishness, to the you who always traced myself as if I was a quivering image, almost disappearing, I promise now forever”

“You may kiss each other, but make it quick I have to kill a fish tonight” a tearful Jisoo said, proud of his friends, closed the bible, encouraging them to seal their promises. A round of laughter filled the hall, loud laughters. Their friends and close relatives were there, calling for a sealing kiss

“I love you” Soonyoung said, pulling Jihoon by his waist, toward his body “I will always love you” whispering, he closed the distance between their waiting lips, sharing a passionate kiss. With arms locked around his neck, and lips locked with the other’s, Jihoon found himself there, he found himself in his now husband, never wanting to let go “I love you too, always”.

Later that night, a bedroom was filled with moans and gasps as they made love to each other. The need to feel more of their skin on one another slowly driving them to the edge. Body on body, soul on soul, heart on heart, soon a smaller back was pressed against the cold surface of a wall, as the slightly bigger one hovered over.

Kissing and skin on skin sounds were audible. More than loving the erotic feeling, they loved the way their breaths were in sync, the way their skins syncopated to their feelings for each other, to their minds.

“I can’t.. take it” Jihoon panted as he felt all of him inside of himself, soon to lose it all

He hushed and grunted as he rocked his hips, snapping and clashing with his. Hands intertwined on the wall “ssh.. Just lose it, it’s okay” devouring his lips as he kept moving, he could only whisper a “I’m too..”

After few more thrusts, they were both driven to their edges, highness rushing through their body as shivers thrilled their spines. Moving to the bed, they cleaned themselves and sprawled their limbs on the soft mattress, covering their naked skin.  Resting his lips on his neck as he hugged him by the waist, Soonyoung said “Don’t leave me.”

“Soonie, I’m here. We are together now” Jihoon soothed him , his hands  caressing his fluffy – now damp from their previous activities – hair .

“I don’t want to get separated from you ” he moved his right cheek on his chest as his fingertips rubbed circles on the other’s naked tummy .

With fingers ghosting over his slightly chubby cheeks, the red haired young man spoke closing his eyes  “I’ll do anything to be with you, I won’t go away. I know someday we will have to part ways, life is cruel, but we’ll meet each other, we’ll find our way back home” .

The raven haired rested his chin on his head, hugging him closer “Jihoon-ah?”

“mh?”

“Don’t forget those words in our next life okay? Through the centuries and the universe, remember us ” Soonyoung said, eyes almost pleading for a promise, any rational mind would find impossible.

Jihoon smiled with closed eyes “so cheesy, who would have thought mafia could be sweet”

“well, we are a big ball of cheese”

“A very big ball indeed”

***********************************************************************************************************************************

It was a particular gloomy day when Soonyoung thought something was oddly off. Jihoon was working on pc, composing one of those beautiful songs of his, beats playing through his mind. Just a normal day, but something in his heart told him to stay alert. The world outside their safe heaven looked like as a storm was yet to come, but soon to arrive.

Maybe, I’m just very emotional and easily susceptible. Shrugging his weight from his shoulders, he went over to his husband, slowing taking off of his ear pods “do you want some coffee?” he asked

Jihoon nodded, giving off a small smile “yes, iced please”

“All right, iced Americano for my babe is coming” he kissed his cheek and opened the front door

“Soonyoung?”

“Make it quick, then come over and hug me” a needy Jihoon is all Soonyoung would ever ask.

Jihoon saved the new track, turning off the pc and removing his earpods. He was storing them in their usual place when he felt something wrong, like someone else was in the room at that moment.

He spun around, a masked man soon attacked him. He tackled Jihoon on the floor, taking a knife from the back of his pants. “ready to die?” a deep voice asked, which only made the smaller scoff “you are the one asking for a death wish”  the ever so sweet Jihoon turned his eyes cold, smashing his head on the masked man, tackling him on the floor.

 He punched him a few times, waiting for the moment he could press hard with his fingers a point on his neck, so that he would black out. As he did, he got up urging himself outside “SOONYOUNG”.

“Wow.. Why are you screaming, I’ve just finished making coffee” said boy, turned around, with iced coffee in his hands.

“We need to GO now, this house is not safe. There is someone in our room who tried to kill me.” Jihoon said, reaching over their shoes and jackets. “Wear them, NOW”. Rushing through their things, Soonyoung took him by the hand, opening the front door of his house, only to be found with other men in black, masked as well.

“Shit.”

“Well, are you going anywhere?” one of them said, toying with a gun in his hands

“When I tell you run, run okay?” Soonyoung whispered, holding him closer, receiving a small nod as response

Faking a big oh my god, while looking past the masked people, he made them turn their back for a moment wondering what the hell he was staring at.

“RUN!” taking those seconds as life matter moments, they run for their life as bullets shoot through the air, one of them grazing Soonyoung arm. He yelped in pain, as he they run closer to their car, getting in it.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon asked, as he watched Soonyoung make a harsh U-turn and spun off from their house.  He could only nod “it’s just a graze”

“Who the fuck are these people?”

“I don’t know, I don’t even know how the fuck they got in our house without our digital traces” he run past the car “call Vernon, tell him to find us a new place, that those people were in our house.”

Suddenly, Jihoon’s phone ringed “Vernon is calling”

Quickly pressing on the green button, he smashed his phone near his ear “Vernon, SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO KILL US. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

“JIHOON, COME OVER TO US. JISOO HYUNG JUST CAMEBACK WITH 3 BULLETS SHOOTS IN HIS LEFT ARM AND SHOULDER, COME OVER IMMEDIATELY. THERE IS SSANG YONG PA BEHIND IT”  said boy shouted from the other line.  
“That motherfucker is still alive?? I thought my father had killed him years ago” a distressed Soonyoung shouted back, accelerating through the streets.  
“Apparently, there is a new heir” Vernon said through the phone “we have to plan a mission, see you at the dungeon”  
“Soonyoung, calm down. We are going to win this too. Remember what father said before his death?” jihoon asked, as he saw his other half gripping on the steering wheel  
“To not let fear wash over you or you are dead”  
“Exactly, we are together. Don’t fear”  


********************************************************************************************************************************  
At the head quarters  
“Vernon, you tell me what the fuck is going on with this Ssang yong pa!” Soonyoung asked as soon as his stepped his feet inside the headquarters, followed by a grumpy Jihoon.  
“Kwon Jiyong took over SSang yong pa, he is an illegitimate son of the boss your father killed. I guess, he is out there seeking revenge” the honey blond Vernon said.  
“Kwon… Jiyong?” Jihoon asked, looking confused for a moment  
“Why? Do you know him?” Vernon asked  
“shit. I rejected an arranged marriage proposal with him three years ago” Jihoon cursed, mentally face palming himself.

********************************************************************************************************************************   
“How is Jisoo hyung?” the red haired asked Seungkwan, who had just returned from checking up on said man. In the meanwhile, Soonyoung hissed at the contact of alcohol on his wound. “Sorry”  
“He is stable, the bullets didn’t touch any vital organ” Seungkwan explained, dropping on his chair “I really can’t believe it, what the hell he wants?”  
Soonyoung seemed lost in his thoughts when he suddenly looked up, his eyes catching those of his husband’s “If he wants you, he’ll have to pass over my dead body”  
“Soonyoung, don’t ever say something like that again” with a serious expression, he patched him up and went to sit beside the brown haired one.  “You have to live.”  
“Guys, this is not the moment to be sappy” Vernon said, as he entered the panel control room “I called the security team, all of their panels are out of control, computers are our because of a malware and…” he suddenly stopped  
“and?” Seungkwan asked  
“and… Mingyu hyung is in critical condition, he was shot in the liver” he said, dropping his gaze  
A look of disbelief casted over the three, hands coming through their hair as in despair “Get him in the hospital, get the best doctor out there to save him, I don’t care what it cost, just do it” Soonyoung stated, feeling anger building up inside.  
“Yes, I was already thinking about that” the honey blond said, calling the other members of the organization, giving said instructions.  
“What are we going to do? If our security panel are out of control, it mean that our houses, our buildings and our traffic is at risk in any moment. How about Wonwoo?”  
“I called him early, he said he is working on the malware. If he removes it, we’ll be again in control. But the malware is really strong, he doesn’t know if he will remove it in time.” Seungkwan replied  
“Once this is finished, that dog is gonna pay like his father” Soonyoung said, turning on a pc, he started working on a new mission. He dispatched secret thugs around the most crucial black markets, calling Seungcheol for help. “Hyung, make sure our stocks in the markets are safe, buy those of the other associations, put sanctions on, I don’t care, don’t let them trade."

***********************************************************************************************************************************

Meanwhile..

A smug looking Jiyong stood inside his studio, observing everything, every corner from his secret cameras. Soon a woman in her thirties entered the room, hips swaying and red bottom heels scratching on the floor. “Mr. Kwon, we dispatched team B near their headquarters and team D is ready to back up”

“I don’t think we would need team D. After all,  most of their panels are out of control. Attack them with team B, tell team D to bring them to me. You know the place, near  that abandoned asylum in Gonjiam” he firmly stated.

“will be done immediately, Mr.Kwon” bowing, she left the room

He stared at the whiskey in his left hand, twirling it around. Smirking to himself, he thought “let the real game begin, let’s see who will the last one standing”

*********************************************************************************************************************************

19.00 pm

Everything was quiet, too quiet, at the Chil Sung Pa headquarters. The sound of hands, typing on pc and the food in process could be heard and smelt. Soonyoung knew Jihoon was the one cooking, he would recognize the scent of his food everywhere, especially when he burned their eggs. His eyes were brought to reality by Vernon, looking worried.

“Seungkwan went out 2 hours ago and still hasn’t returned”

"Where did he go exactly? We can trace him down with his phone" Soonyoung said "We will find him"

"He went to buy water, we are almost short of it" Vernon explained

"Okay this is weird.. I opened the device, there is a red dot near the supermarket at the beginning of the road. It says hour of permanence: 2 hours and 3 minutes. What the hell, is he doing there?" Soonyoung wondered

"Guys, I'm almost finished. Seungkwan?" Jihoon asked, reaching over them

Vernon looked on the verge of a mental crisis "What's this look?"

Soon the front door opened, revealing a dishevelled and bruised Seungkwan. "What did happ-" Vernon's words were cut short.

"I'm sorry" the other boy said, a sad hue to his eyes, like he had done something he would regret forever. A shot was heard, bullets reaching him from behind. Seungkwan fell on the floor, looking  almost lifeless.

"SEUNGKWAN" Vernon shouted, scooting over to him

"Don't move an inch or all of you are dead" a muffled voice shouted from behind, making all of them stall in their steps

All Jihoon could was look at his younger friend's body on the floor, he didn't know if he was still alive. He hoped for.

"What do you want?" Soonyoung asked, hands hidden behind his back "WHY ARE YOU BREAKING INTO OUR PLACES?"

"Shut up" the man shooted again, piercing the raven hair's shoulder. "SOONYOUNG" Jihoon moved quickly beside him, reaching over to hold him

"First thing first, honorifics guys. Respect is important, you should respect your enemy too"

"Second thing second, guys take them" said man, signalling the other masked men with a finger.

"STAY AWAY FROM US" Vernon shouted, taking his gun out from his pocket and shooting like a mad man, successfully bring some of them down.

At the same time, Soonyoung brought Jihoon behind his back, reaching over to his own gun and shooting back.

Seungkwan was barely alive, he had lost conscious already "V-vernon..g-guys go, j-just go"

 

"You still alive buddy?" the man shouted, aiming his gun to his head, but before he could pierce him, a body throw itself over the agonizing man on the floor, shielding him

"We die together if we have to" Vernon whispered as he took the bullets for him

"Aish, what a sappy moment" someone from the back shouted.

Soonyoung threw the gun on the floor, he didn't have any bullets left and they were surrounded, the image of their friends shot on the floor engraved in his mind.

"Soonyoung, let's just go with them" Jihoon cried out, feeling like he had to give up.

"You heard him, just go with us. We promise we won't hurt you" the unknown man feigned a smile.

Soonyoung spat at him "you littl-"

"Captain, boss is waiting for us at Gonjiam already"

Taking a deep breath "Take them and bring them there" he ordered, exiting from the room

"don't touch h-" Soonyoung barely said before he was jabbed in his stomach, watching as men grabbed Jihoon by his hair and dragged outside

"You better shut up" one of them said, dragging him too.

***

Gonjiam abandoned Asylum

Jiyong was there waiting for them. A white bat at in his hand – as he walked around the shady room. Soon, his men started to fill in, one after one.

"Where are they?" he asked, only to receive in response two bodies thrown on the floor, gun pointed to their skulls. "Here there are sir"

"Well, well what we have here? Kwon Soonyoung and Lee Jihoon right at my feet, who would have thought that?" he snickly reached over Soonyoung's chin, bringing it up with the white bat in his hands.

Soonyoung looked over him with rage "if you think that you are going be the last man standing, you are totally wrong" he spat

Jiyong could only laugh "oh well, but look who is the one kneeling in front of the other now? Not me" he slapped him hard, making his face turn to the left

Jihoon could only look at the scene unfolding right before his eyes "is this because I rejected you?" he asked, gaining a muffled laugh in return

"Ah little Jihoon? What? Do you think you are the only one with an ass to fuck or something?" he scoffed, aiming his bat at him.

"Well no, but it was an ass that you wanted to fuck so" Jihoon spat, looking straight to him, rising his eyes.

Jiyong grabbed his red hair, pulling at them with force. He made Jihoon stand up, tackling him over a disused table. "Looks like this little bitch of yours knows no manner, Soonyoung. I'll have to teach that ass a lesson"

Soonyoung opened his eyes wide "You ARE not GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO HIM" he grabbed him by the shoes, making him fall on the floor. He jumped on him, rage overcoming him, punching his face with the last strength he had in his body.

He didn't hear the bullets shooting through the air, but when he raised his head to take a breath he saw it.

Jihoon was falling on the ground, bullets pierced through his body, never once removing his eyes from him. He saw him mutter something, maybe along the lines of "I love you" or "run, Soonyoung, run" before his body made contact with the floor.

A necklace was ripped from his neck. Soonyoung gave it to him last year, for Christmas. A little sphere engraved with diamonds, making it look like a snowflake. It was now stained red.

He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe it when he run over to him, taking his lifeless body into his arms "JIHOON AH" he cried, shouting his name "Don't die on me, don't slip away from me."

Hugging him closer to his body, he touched his cheeks "you are so cold, Jihoon.. So cold.. Wake up please... Wake up"

"S-soonie.. s-save y-yourself.. Y-you have to l-live" he managed to whisper, coughing up a rivulet of blood

"I don't want, I don't want to live without you"

"L-live, Soonyoung.. L-live, f-for..me" he closed his eyes

"NO NO NO JIHOON NO" holding him in his arms, Soonyoung knew. His snowflake had left him.

Jiyong stood up, wiping the blood from his lips. A man came over to him "Mr. Kwon, Mission A complete. Target L removed"

"Good job, guys. Good job" he said, watching as the man, whose father had killed his, held his other half exhaling his last breath.

Eye for an eye, Kwon Soonyoung.             

                                                                                                      ***

I watched you as you took your last breath. I had failed you. I couldn’t protect you. Tears fell as you shed blood, as your gaze left mine. I didn’t even dream about you. You didn’t come and visit my mind at nights. I didn’t know if you didn’t want to come to me anymore, or if my mind refused to absorb your lingering image. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Words like this, chanted through the silent nights I was about to spend alone. Where are you now? Are you hiding from me somewhere in the clouds? Are you watching me from high or from low? Are you resting in peace?

As pain washed over me, I thought that the earth and the heaven endures the sorrow, fights it and still stands strong, but I’m not the earth. I’m not heaven. It cripples me, it shoots right through me, it tells me I should have been in your place, taking those bullets that took you away from me, from us.

Thoughts wonder to the other side of my mind, and I remember something. Seungkwan-ah… Vernon-ah, are you two okay? Are you two still alive? I don’t know…

 

Jihoon-ah? If you are listening to me right now, if you are watching over me right now.. please, remember us.


	2. Utopia?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is something you serve on a silver plate.

A song of endless sorrow 2: Utopia?

 **_Utopia:_ ** _An imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect_

_I wanted you to come back to me, knowing it was impossible. That  was my utopia. My perfect imperfect world without you had already started to wither down._

_I’ve been living like this ever since. Ever since 2 years ago they took you away from me, from us. I know my apologies can’t bring you back to life, so I won’t say sorry – even though my heart would feel apologetic anyhow._

_I won’t damn myself anymore, although I am already damned. I didn’t let them crush your name, the way they crashed your life. I will bring you back somehow._

_They say that if you dream and wish enough, it will become reality. Like the rebirth of the peach blossom during spring, this is your revival._

****

**_***_ **

**_12/12/18   NK SK border_ **

“ _Coups, subject identified. Looks like they are still keeping him in their dungeon_ ” a calm voice spoke – belonging to non-other than Yoon Jeonghan, first among the other underground spies that worked for Chil Yong Pa.

“ _Yoon, register his position. Retire back, call Jeon and Kim. Tell them we need arms and gas. We are going to tear down that motherfucking place_ ”  secure and firm, Choi Seungcheol was not someone you wanted to mess with. Sometimes a childish man, sometimes a leader in the black market traffic.

“ _Yes, baby. Report to you later_ ”

The most dangerous thing about them was that they were a couple, a foul one by the way. Once their babies were attacked,  they would fight back and bite you in the ass.

The now blond haired Jeonghan entered a pitch black room in one of their bases, the furthest and the most secret among all. Mentally rolling his eyes – knowing the younger hacker was probably looking like a criminal in the middle of the pitch dark of the room, he called out for him. “Just turn on the lights, you are creeping us out”

With a raspy low toned voice, one of the members spoke “ Wonwoo’s playroom, Wonwoo’s laws.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes again “Anyways, I  found out Soonyoung’s position with the new drones. He is in one of their dungeons, near the border”

“If I were them, I would’ve sent him to North Korea already. Wtf these people.” Ironically speaking, Wonwoo raised his hand, showing his palm to the blonde “Do you have anything to give to me?”

“Yeah” he handed the darker haired boy a red USB “ passwords, members’ ID and families background, money account. What should we raid first?”  he then asked.

“members’ ID. We need to get Soonyoung out of that before he dies too”

“How, Wonwoo, How? Their security system is even more powerful than ours” he plopped on a chair next to him, sighing. “if we can’t save him…”

“this is why you are the sub in your relationship, you get too sappy” Wonwoo began “I updated our system, I’ve got someone from  Pentagon to help me this time. We are going to crush their system, hyung.” he smiled evilly.

Jeonghan slapped him on the back of his head “You better do what you said. I’m going. Gotta talk to Mingyu” he said before storming outside, leaving an aching Wonwoo alone.

_I have to do this. I need to._

_***_

 

_An hour later_

“How is your stomach?” Jeonghan asked, finally arriving to their private hospital room where fellow spy Mingyu was staying. “It’s getting better. Thankfully, the bullet didn’t cause major trouble. It’s still irritated though” a tired looking Mingyu spoke, whose voice was hoarse.

“it’s okay. You will get better with time. Time cures everything”

“Soonyoung?”

“I found him”

“Where?”

“They are keeping him in one of their dungeon near the border to the North. I’ve given Wonwoo all the material to break in their security system, but I think we might need your help there. Do you think you could do it?” Jeonghan dared to ask. He had wondered a lot before asking something like this. He didn’t want  his younger friend and colleague to get hurt again

“They release me tomorrow. Count me in”

The blond smiled encouragingly to him “Mingyu, I know you wanted to know” he began, not knowing where to start. “Jeonghan hyung, just say it. How are Vernon and Seungkwan? How is their condition?” he asked, fully prepared for what was coming

“Vernon is okay, for most of it. A bullet scraped one of his kidney but nothing too serious. He was wearing a vest underneath his shirt. It saved him and Seungkwan”

“why do I feel like you are leaving something out?” Mingyu chimed in, wanting to know every thing

“Seungkwan can’t walk, at least for now. They shot him in his legs, piercing muscles and bones” he lowered his eyes “but there is hope my father can help him, I asked for his help”

“Your father? Didn’t he hate you?”

“Yeah”

“Why would he help us?”

“He wouldn’t tell me. I guess, we’ll find out” he hopes.

 

***

“Did you contact the Chinese branch yesterday?” Seungcheol, the now leader-in charge of the group asked, black hair falling over his eyes.

“yeah, I did. They should arrive later tonight with the new equipment ships” resting near his still injured but recovering friends, Jeonghan said.

“Minghao and Jun are coming too?” Mingyu asked, pacing around the private hospital room, gaining a worried nod by the latter. “Mingyu, you need to rest. Stop walking around” the blond mother angel said, getting up and putting his younger son friend to bed. “yeah, mum. Kay”

The scene unfolding in front of their eyes caused laughter to swell inside their heart “I can’t believe he is still babying you” Seungcheol said

“Can’t believe it? That idiot speaks in an annoying cute voice even when he is about to kill someone” Seungkwan said, body unmoving from his resting bed. “yah. Boo Seungkwan” Mingyu called out

“what? It’s the truth” the other pouted

“.. and this is exactly why you two should be kept separated” Vernon said, getting up from his bed, - going to the bathroom to relief his bladder “whatever”

“Guys” the oldest of the five called to gain their attention “I want all of you to be sure you want to do this. In other case it should be praxis to remove all of you from missions since most of you are injured”

“I can’t not take part in the physical mission but I can help Wonwoo out with the fire drones” Seungkwan said, his eyes sad. He couldn’t walk. He didn’t even know if he could walk anytime soon, even if he did recover.

“I wouldn’t have let you take part physically mission anyway” Vernon said, joining the group “not after what happened”. Lowering his eyes, Seungkwan decided it was better to get back to sleep, or at least faking it, covering all of his body with a blanket, mood even worse than before. Vernon could only sigh and let an inaudible “Sorry”.

“Is this the way you all think we are going to save Soonyoung?” Seungcheol asked suddenly “if you are not prepared mentally, don’t join it. Enough guys.”

Jeonghan shot him a look along the lines of _“don’t make it worse than it is already, you idiot_ ”, Seungcheol only shrugged his shoulders. “What I mean is that don’t you have to fake to be okay, it’s okay to not be okay. We’ll find another way” he explained

“Seungcheol hyung, do you trust us?” Mingyu asked, sitting up on his bed

“Yeah, I trust you guys”

“Believe in us and in our commitment. No matter how we are not okay, we will always be okay if it means we are important to save one of us”.

“all right, I’ll keep believing all of you but if I see anyone of you getting worse, I’m sending all of you to Mongolia” the black haired warned, smiling a little

Soon, Jeonghan phone beeped. He read the text and smirked to himself “Guys we have a good news” gaining the attention, almost immediately from everyone. Even Seungkwan had stopped covering his whole body and faking sleep.

“Wonwoo said he planted a glitch in SSang’s security system and found out some interesting things about all of his members. We are going to have fun tomorrow”

***

All of the members, including Minghao and Jun and the ones released from hospital, were at Wonwoo’s place, planning out hell’s loose.

“Seungkwan you stay here with Wonwoo, you are in charge of the fire and water drones” Seungcheol started explaying “Vernon and Mingyu you come with me and Jeonghan but-“ he was suddenly stopped from said boys who shot him a look

“But..?”

“But you two remain in the black van”

“But Seungcheol-“

“I don’t want to hear anything. You remain inside the black van. Keep in contact with Wonwoo and Seungkwan. Tell us if you see anything weird outside or inside from the camera access”

“Minghao and Jun are going to cause uproar in the other ware houses surrounding the dungeon. They keep animals to test beauty products on them. Wear protections guys”

“is there anyone who wants to say his opinion about roles?” Jeonghan asked. Ironically pointing to his situation, Seungkwan answered “I would but I’m, obviously,  in no position to say so” 

“I almost snickered at your statement, you’ll get better, Seungkwan” the blond said, taking his hand in his.

“I have something to say” Minghao suddenly chimed in, gaining attention as he spoke “We brought back up from China, this means all of their production’s warehouse and platforms are going to be up roared”

“we thought to set fire to them but they have a lot of them, and would have caused media’s attractions and we don’t want that” Jun said “we will destroy them by them destroying themselves”

Whistling, Seungcheol patted the two Chinese members on their shoulders “Good idea, guys”

“Guys, you have to go now. Mission starts in an hour” Wonwoo called out as a reminder to the others, who nodded in unison

“Let’s go. Equipments and uniforms are all prepared” Jeonghan said, as they made their way outside, leaving Seungkwan and Wonwoo behind in the panel control room

“I have something to say to Seungkwan, I’ll make it quick” Vernon quietly said, gaining an okay. He had been quiet all the time they spoke. Said boy was already setting his drones when he felt arms surround his neck, a familiar scent enveloping in a tight hug. “Hansol..”

“I’ll come back whole” the latter said, voice filled with firmness.

Seungkwan turned his torso around for what he could, taking Vernon’s cheeks in his hands, his lips ghosting over the other’s “Come back whole, come back with Soonyoung”

He nodded, placing a sweet kiss on the other’s lips – before saying goodbye and leaving the room. Seungkwan sighed, legs throbbing with ache. “Wonwoo, give me my shot, I can’t work like this”

 

3 hours later

A black van finally arrived to Daesong-dong, a quiet village near the DMZ, at the border with North Korea. “I can’t believe they are freaking running mafia’s business in this village” Mingyu spat, voice quiet

“ People only know it’s filled with American troops, perfect for corruption” Jun said, taking a lollipop out of his bag and eating it.

“pay attention to your surroundings, and also pay attention to the MDL. There should be North korean’s troops surveilling the bridge of no return” Seungcheol warned, taking out his guns, placing them in his combat boots and in his belt, behind his back.

“also, when we take Soonyoung we will get out from the back of the dungeon, not the front” Jeonghan added “after we get off, park near the smallest  warehouse, there is big tree there. it’s the nearest to their base  and to the main warehouse, where Minghao and Jun are involved, also the less patrolled”

Vernon and Mingyu nodded in unison “we will do that”

“Are we ready?” Minghao asked

“We are” they all said “Perfect” he smirked

***

Jun and Minghao were dispatched near the main warehouse, hiding behind the tree surrounding it, while Jeonghan and Seungcheol were set to enter the dungeon by one of the manhole, Wonwoo had founded during inspections.

“do you remember what bunker was he in?” Seuncheol asked, as he helped his fellow member and boyfriend lower himself down in the dark tunnel. He turned his safe lighter on.

“number 7”

“oddly ironic”

“we need to walk some miles before getting there. There should be another manhole connected to the basement”  he said, gaining a nod from Jeonghan.

Checking his earpiece, he called Mingyu “how many people in the basement? Check camera number 009”

_“there are about 4 people inside, 2 outside”_

“near the manhole?”

_“no one, most of them are dining. I checked 003. They are feasting with women and wine”_

“okay” turning it off,  he kept walking beside the black haired. He didn’t say anything, he knew his other half had already heard what Mingyu had said, through his earpiece.

They walked for 15 minutes more, finally arriving to what looked like a manhole. A ladder was connected to it.

“I go first” Seungcheol said, climbing the ladder and opening the manhole a little, squinting his eyes to see if someone was around. “free way” he opened the trapdoor completely, climbing out of it –  then helping the other out of it.

Both of them reached for their guns, slowly making their way to the basement’s entrance. Like Mingyu had said, two men were standing outside, looking bored. They hid behind of their columns, listening to their conversations.

_“my wife said she wants another house, I can’t stand her anymore. I don’t grow money on my dick” one of them said_

_“did she find out about your side bitch?” the other asked_

_“No, she would have killed me already” he joked_

“well, I will do it in her place, honey”  Jeonghan said, as he detached himself from his hiding place – firing two shots of killing poison one after one, right in their heads. Seungcheol followed behind, taking guns out of their belts. The bodies dead on the ground.

“Take their clothes. If we want to get in, we will have to cosplay those motherfuckers”

Stripping them from their clothes, they wore their uniforms and took their IDs “they don’t even have pictures on their IDs, idiots”. After hiding them behind the columns, they opened the door to the basement, keeping their heads lowered and caps on.

Some of the guards approached them “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be outside patrolling?”

“someone said they are having a feast a dinner with models and wine, but we didn’t know anything. Isn’t that unfair?” Seungcheol said, lowering his tone, coping the dead guard’s voice.

“What?” all the guards shouted in unison “those motherfuckers. Now I know why they wanted only us to stay in here. Ah. They’ll here from me. Lee, Chu come with me, we are going to complain. You three remain here surveilling all these rats” one of them said, getting out, followed by other two behind

“do you want some soda?” the only guard remain asked, he could only be 18 years old, not older than that. He sported a black eye and a scar on his neck

“did someone punch you?” Jeonghan asked, gaining an elbow hit from his boyfriend

“yeah, one of the person they keep here punched me in the face when I tried to give him his food” the boy said “are you looking for him?” he suddenly asked, making the two take out their guns in defence.

“no need to over react. I’m not one of them. I’ll help you if you help me escape from here”

“why should we help you? You might be only acting”

“Lee Chan, 18 years old. Prisoner number 157. Family: Kim Hana. Deceased family: Lee Shun” he said, looking straight at other two.

Jeonghan gasped “Dino? What the hell are you doing here!” he quietly shouted

“like I said, prisoner. My dad fell in one’s of Kwon’s trap. Now I’m here. They keep me as a prisoner and as a guard because they said I can learn to love SSang Yong Pa and join them one day. What a bunch of decerebrated”

“wait.. what the fuck is going on?” Seuncheol said, before he was interrupted by his earpiece beeping “Mingyu”?

“HYUNG, TAKE SOONYOUNG NOW OUT OF THAT ROOM. HE IS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND THE FEAST IS ALMOST FINISHED. MOVE YOUR ASS”

“Where is he?” Seungcheol asked, scurrying anxiously along the isle. 

“will you help me, then?” Chan said

“I’ll help you but move your freaking ass, he is trying to kill himself inside that room”

Widening his eyes, he run to the end of the basement, finding said boy’s room. He inserted the code and opened the room. Seungcheol and Jeonghan followed behind. “What the fuck are you doing, Kwon Soonyoung?” Jeonghan asked, stepping immediately inside – taking the boy’s hands from the ends of a blanket –  tightly locked around his neck “Seungcheol, grab him”

“Soonyoung, it’s us. Stop it.” He kept repeating, as the boy struggled for air for a while. He coughed multiple times, scratching at his neck.

“w-what.. a-re you g-guys doing h-here?” Soonyoung panted, eyes tired, skin pale and thinner than ever

“Saving your ass, baby” Jeonghan replied “can you get up?”

Soonyoung shook his head “he broke his left ankle when he kicked another guard’s face in the head” Chan said, trying to help him out

“s-stay away from me”

“He is one of ours, Soonyoung. Calm down” Seungcheol said, scooping the boy under his arms, with the help of Jeonghan he carried him out.

“Jihoon?” he suddenly asked “we’ll talk about him later, we need to get the fuck out of here”

“We need to get rid of our prisoner bracelets first, otherwise when we go out all the guards in here will know” Chan said, showing his bracelet “but tell me you don’t need to cut my hand”. Jeonghan looked at said bracelet, inspecting it “this is an old version of electronic tagging. We could melt it but we don’t have time for that. We’ll just shut down their security system now”

He turned his earpiece on again “Mingyu, tell Wonwoo to shut down the security system now and Seungkwan to send the drones, now!”

“we need to get out from the back of this place, where is it?” seungcheol asked

“We need to get to the first floor” Chan said taking guns from the basement’s supplier “let’s go”

 

The four of them went out, reaching the stairs to the first floor. Chan spotted a guard from afar and quickly took a step back. “One of them is approaching, stay behind” he warned, laying his back flat against a wall. He waited for the guard to reach the end of the stairs when with the back of his gun punched him in the face, with a kick in his ass he sent flying on the ground, knocking him out with his foot on his skull.

“clean, let’s go”

Jeonghan observed the young boy in front of him for a moment, thinking  _maybe we can adopt him, that’s right he is so going to be my son._

“The back door is near the bathrooms, it’s an emergency door. But we need to get past that isle” Chan said “and it’s full of men. We need to shoot this time. When the security system goes off, this place will be a mes-“ he barely had the time to say it, when everything shut down. The lights were down, and screams could be heard from the dining room. One of the chandelier’s had fallen down on a table.

Men were running around on alert, hands on guns. “shit, I don’t know if I can shoot them all  with this” Chan cursed

“help Jeonghan with Soonyoung, I’ll take my rifle. I’ll take care of if”

“Seungcheol you are not properly train-“

“Jeonghan.” He gave him a look, taking out his rifle from one of his boots before running out to the aisle, shooting at everything that could move, people.

 _How the hell did you have a rifle in your boot?_ Chan thought

“Jeonghan hyung, Wonwoo said you have 5 minutes to go out. He can only hold for that long. When it comes back, they’ll check the security cameras and find you. ESCAPE NOW”

“Shit. Chan let’s go now” he said, gripping Soonyoung harder, following Seungcheol who was still shooting some guards, hidden behind an upside down desk.

One of the guard kept shooting at the desk, one of the bullet grazing the black haired leader’s arm. Just a small graze he thought, when he saw the blood coming out. He kept shooting, taking other two men out.

The front door was busted open, more bullets were fired. Jeonghan could only make out the sight of two’s Uzi, recognizing them. _Minghao and Jun_

 _“_ I’m sorry but we need our heir back” one them shouted with a distinct Chinese accent over his Korean, keeping his Uzi firm in his hands, shooting at everything he could see. The blond saw Jun coming over the desk, speaking to the leader in hurry “where are they?”

“still in the back”

Jun run to the group of three, helping Jeonghan out with Soonyoung “who is this kid here?” he asked

“I’ll explain later, he comes with us. Let’s go. We have 2 minutes left”

They run together to where Seungcheol was. Sitting Soonyoung down, all of them started to shoot at their enemies, who kept doubling in number.

“GUYS GET OUT KNOW, THE DRONES ARE BEING ACTIVATED IN 1 FREAKING MINUTE. EVERYTHING WILL BE ON FIRE. GET OUT KNOW” Vernon called now through the earpiece “USE THE ORIGAMI SHIELD, NOW GET OUT”

They opened their origami shield, setting them over their arms “all of you behind us, you help Soonyoung” Jun told the new addition to their group “Minghao start retreating now”

More bullets were fired on them as they kept running towards the the back door, a black van forcefully parked in front of it, opening the back. “GET ON NOW” Mingyu said, helping Soonyoung on first.

Minghao and Seungcheol kept firing back when both of them were violently dragged inside the van. Vernon sprinted away, doors still opened because of the urgency.

“SEUNGKWAN DRONES NOW”

From Seoul, a focused looking Seungkwan actived fire drones, successfully setting fire to wings of the building.

“fire the cauldrons in the back, Seungkwan” Wonwoo said reactivating their enemy’s security system

“yes, hyung” he said doing exactly so. Soon the dungeon and some of the warehouses were wrapped in flames

 

_This is only the first check mate, Kwon Jiyong_

 

***

2 years later

Soonyoung remembers clearly the moments following his escape, all thanks to his friends, to his family. He couldn’t have been more thankful then he was to them, but at the same time he didn’t know if it had been right for him to keep living.

At that time, when he had tried to choke himself to death, his thoughts were only about Jihoon. It had always been about him. He missed him. He missed the other to the point he didn’t have the need to tie a blanket around his neck to choke, he was struggling for breath anyway.

2 years, 730 days and nights, 17520 hours without him. During the day, after his own physical recover, he would fake a smile to his friends, pretending he was okay. He would fake strength to get him through his journey, through his week. He couldn’t show his weak self to his organization.

Words of his father ringing in his ears _“If you show your real self, your emotions, your pain, you are going to be treated a submissive. You can’t be a boss, if you don’t harden yourself.”_

But in that moment Soonyoung was far from strong, he was crumbling to the bricks. That’s why Seungcheol suggest him to change his name. A new name meant a new identity, as if he could help him rebuild himself slowly. Hoshi. “ _it means star in Japanese” Seungcheol had said_

They had still problems with Ssang Yong Pa but most of its’ markets and warehouses were shut down. Kwon Jiyong was still alive, nowhere to be found. Wonwoo had tried to trace him down, but he could find nothing. It looked like his data was erased from security system.

When Jihoon had died, his phone was still with him but nowhere to be found. The black haired tall guy had decided to keep an eye on it, ever since Jeonghan had told him they couldn’t even find his body.

Something strange had started happening around March. Wonwoo was eating his ramen when suddenly a red signal beeped on the screen of his computer. He checked it, dropping his chopsticks on the floor.

He couldn’t believe it.

Jihoon’s phone had started working again. _“he..is alive?”_

He wondered whether to call up for a group discussion or wait till he found out something more. He opted for the second option. He didn’t want to give them, especially to Soonyoung, a false hope.

“tell me, you are alive. Come on” he whispered to himself, connecting his second computer to the phone’s call database.

“who is alive?” the door opened, revealing an annoyed looking Seungkwan. _Vernon must have played with his nerves again_

“nothing, I’m just talking to my self”. The younger  approached him, still struggling with his wheelchair “do you think I’m stupid?”

Wonwoo sighed “I don’t know if he is alive, but there is a possibility. I’ve just received a signal from his phone. We didn’t find his body or his phone on the site so..”

“check incoming calls immediately” Seungkwan replied, moving beside him “let’s print them out and see if there is any recent calls”

Wonwoo nodded, doing exactly so “there are about 6 new calls, all of them are in-calls. Someone is calling him consistently”

“did he, or I don’t who, take the calls?”

“yeah, one is 7 minutes long and the last one is 20 minutes long”

“same number?”

“same number”

“trace that number down, see who’s phone number is it and let’s corner that person” Seungkwan added “I’ll call Joshua hyung and tell there is some work for him after you find out more”

Wonwoo could only nod again “I’ll do it. While I trace it down, do you want to tell me why do you look so annoyed?” he asked, inserting said number to the country phones’ id database, eyes focused on the screen.

The other sighed “Vernon”

“Thought so. What about him?” he waited for the search engine to find the addressee. “He wants me to quit my job” Seungkwan said, stressing each word, which made the older one turn his head back to him “because of your legs?”

He nodded, lips pursued in a thin line “ He said we don’t know whether I’m going to recover anytime soon. It’s been 2 years now”

“but.. you were doing better”

“I was, but doctor said I should rest for a while. My lower body is still pretty weak at the moment, although it has gotten stronger, bones and muscles fixed”.

“is that that the only thing that is bothering you right now?” Seungkwan shook his head “it’s not the only one”

“then?” wonwoo encouraged him to speak

“He hasn’t touched me for 2 years now.. I-I ..” with lowered eyes, he took a deep breath “I know he doesn’t want to hurt me any further but sometimes.. i-it’s just feels like he is disgusted by me”

Wonwoo stopped in his track, fully rotating his body to him “Seungkwan-ah, I’m pretty sure he is not disgusted by you, I’ve observed him and all I can see is fear to hurt you. Maybe he is ashamed of not knowing how to control himself anymore, but I’ve never seen him looking at you like that”

The younger burst out in tears, chest rising in pain “ _he doesn’t even sleep in the same bed as me anymore”_

He took the other’s hand in his, squeezing it tightly “talk to him, I’m sure that if he knows how you are truly feeling, he won’t distance himself from you so much”

“And wipe your face, you look ugly when you cry” he joked, handing him a tissue to wipe his face from tears. Seungkwan laughed at  little “you are ugly too when you cry”

“when did I ever cry?”

“when you lost a bet with Mingyu and you had to kiss him after your break up” he laughed out loud, making the other’s cheek redden so much, he thought he had started to look like pepper paste. The computer beeped again “saved by the computer again. What it says?”

“the number belongs to Park Kyung Mi, age 42 years old, lives in Gangnam”

“let’s follow her around for the time being, corner her with Joshua hyung and see if she knows anything about Jihoon’s wellbeing”.

***

“ _Can I talk to you tonight?”_ Seungkwan quickly sent Vernon’s a text, hoping the other would reply soon

_“where are you? I’ll come over now, I’m free”_

_“Wonwoo’s”_

_“I’ll come in 5 minutes”_

After 5 minutes, said boy arrived taking Seungkwan out. “what do you want to talk about?” Vernon asked, pushing the wheelchair

“Us”

“ Do you want to talk about it now?” he questioned, helping him get in the lift

“not here”

“let’s go to my office then”. They soon arrived to the 21th floor, making their way to Vernon and Joshua’s shared office. The other was out from town for another day still, so they could talk in private. “Did you eat? Are you thirsty?” he asked

“Just give me a tea, I’ll be good. Not hungry”

Vernon nodded, going to the corned to make him some tea. _What is he thinking about?._ He made two tea and came back to him, handing him the vanilla’s flavoured one.  Contemplating whether to ask him to sit down next to him on the couch or just stand in front of him, Vernon stared at his own feet.

“You are out of focus again” Seungkwan called him,  taking a piece of his jacket in his hands

Vernon took the tea from his left hand and put them on the small table in front of the couch. He went back to his long-time boyfriend, crouching in front of him. He took his arms, putting them around his neck “hold on tight”

“V-vernon” the shorter squirmed “I’ve gained some weight, I’m heavy”. He took full hold on him around his torso, lacing his eyes with his “I like more of you” he said before hoisting him up, bridal style. He lowered him on the sofa, sitting next to him and giving him a fluffy blanket that had already been sitting there. Handing him his tea, he began sipping his. “What was that you wanted to talk about?”

“I.. I don’t know how to put it”

“start from the simplest one”

“I don’t want to quit my job then”

“Seungkwa-“ he was stopped by an hand on his knee “I’ll recover, I’ll walk again, I’ll came back even stronger than before, please trust me, trust Jeonghan’s father”

“Seungkwan” he began, taking one of his hands in his, interlacing them “I didn’t mean that I didn’t trust you or that I don’t believe in your recovery, I just think It’s better if you take a leave from work. All of this, Jihoon’s death, Soonyoung’s depression, missions after mission, has taken a toll on all of us. I just wish you would rest for real, and not over work yourself”

“I’m not over working myself”

“then, did you sleep yesterday night? And the night before yesterday? Will you sleep tonight?” he asked, voice filled with worry.

“I don’t like that voice”

“What?” Vernon pulled a _I-don't-understand-face_ “what do you mean by that?”

“I mean I don’t like when your voice is filled with worry and your eyes look like this. Like you are scared, I might break anytime soon.” Seungkwan finally began to shout his heart out. “I don’t like the fact you are so scared of me breaking, you don’t even sleep with me at night. I don’t like the fact you haven’t touched me in 2 years, you don’t even kiss me anymore” he took his hand of the other’s hold  “stop being my boyfriend if you don’t want me anymore. Let’s just going back to when we were friends, so you don’t have to fear of breaking me because friends don’t touch the way we used to”

“I can’t control myself that well, Seungkwan. You know how rough I can be sometimes, am I scared of hurting you? Yes, I am. I just.. I was worried I might make things worse, I didn’t know I was actually making your heart hurt much more”

“I-“ Vernon barely managed to say, before his eyes started stinging “When you fell on the ground that day, I thought I had lost you but I managed to shield you from those bullets. I have nightmares at night, nightmares where I fail to save you, where you are not that with me anymore” he busted out in tears “I’m so sorry”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Seungkwan asked, tears rolling on his cheeks. He rested one of his hands on Vernon’s head, petting his fluffy hair.  “Why didn’t you tell what you were feeling because of my actions before?” Vernon asked

“if you put it that way, we are both two idiots” the brown haired one responded, sniffling before smacking his head “AND YOU ARE STILL NOT KISS-“ he didn’t even have the time to yell at him, when two strong arms encircled his waste, and lips crashed on his.

Vernon let himself fall on the  couch’s armrest, taking Seungkwan on top of him, his lips never leaving the other’s. He craned his head, tightened the hold around his middle and kissed him more, biting at his lower lip. He later slipped an hand underneath the other’s shirt, caressing his lower back, gaining a small moan in response. “look at you, just a touch of my love and you are already showing your vocal skills”

Seungkwan looked at him for a moment “MY VERNON IS BACK”  he said before attacking his lips and neck, littering with hickeys and bites. At a harsh suck, a deep moan escaped his boyfriend’s lips, he smirked. “looks like I’m not the only who enjoys being vocal”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've finished it.  
> I'll post probably every other day, as soon as I finish /editing/ the rest of the fic.  
> I wanted to post it all but well... I'm too lazy to proofread 70 pages lol
> 
> again english is not my first language and I'm not a good editor, neither a good writer but I try. TT  
> hope you can enjoy it


	3. Never say never

Park Kyung Mi. 42 years old. Gangnam

Wonwoo had kept following her with air drones in the streets of Gangnam for a week now. That day he had decided to send Joshua to corner her. He needed to know if what he thought about was real or not.

He saw the woman enter in a café, sitting down by the windowpane. He couldn’t observe more than that through his drone. He had to rely on Joshua’s later infos. After a few minutes, said boy had walked in. He went to the counter first - buying two caramel macchiato - observing the woman by the corner of his eye. She kept looking outside.

“May I sit here?” Joshua said, approaching the table where she was sitting down. Turning to face him, she smiled a little “It was about time you confronted me, I saw you following”. He sat down, handing her a cup of coffee “I noticed”

“So? What can I do for a young man like you?” she asked, taking a sip from her cup

Joshua took out from his backpack a printout, putting it on the table and sliding it to her with two fingers. “This phone number started working again a week ago, after 2 years of absence. This is your number. What kind of relationship do you have with the owner and where he is now?”

Smiling down, she played with the cup in her hand before taking a second sip. She put it down on the table. Opening her bag, she took out a necklace which he recognized almost immediately “where did you find that?” . She put it on the table “on the ground, in that warehouse. 2 years ago”

“where is Jihoon? Where did you take him? What did you do to him?”

“Calm down. He is okay”

“Where's Jihoon?” Joshua asked, gritting his teeth and stressing each word  “Don’t make me use extreme methods on a woman” he said, lowering his voice enough so people passing by could not make out his threatening tone.

“Protective enough. All right, I’ll talk”

“Then, speak”

“After what happened that day,  his body was left alone in the warehouse while your boss was brought to the border. When I got the notice no one was around, I sprinted to the location. To check if he was still alive. Barely, he was still there. His heart started beating again after 1 hour of death. The doctor couldn’t not believe it either when he checked. He was conscious for a few hours but after that, he slipped in coma. He woke up two months ago”

“Two months ago?” he asked, trying to keep a straight face

She nodded “yeah, two months ago. But.. he doesn’t remember anything. He has a serious case of amnesia. He doesn’t know who he is” she said, making his eyes go wide “A-mnesia?”

“Yes, the doctor said to not tell him anything. He needs to remember by himself if he would ever do. We can’t not put him on emotional or memory strain”

“Why did you save him?”

“Because he reminds me of the son I couldn’t save before” she admitted

“Is he living well? Where he is now?”

“He is living well. I sent him to college. He said he wanted to study music so I helped him get in college. He goes to Seoul National University, he is staying at the campus” she said finishing her cup of coffee “Joshua, right?”

“How do you know my real name?” he said, putting his hand near his gun

“Don’t need to get all work out. I know a lot of stuff” she smiled “Tell little Soonyoung to stay strong. One or another, they’ll meet again. I may not be able to protect him forever, I don’t know when Jiyong will come back. Help me protecting him, I’ll swear loyalty to your group”

“Why should I believe you? This could be a plan to kill all of us”

“Why should I troll you when you probably know all about me? My family, my sons, my friends. I have got things to lose, but you can protect me and them if things go wrong” she said “I want to get out from Jiyong’s grisp, I don’t belong with his group”

Joshua nodded “You’ll have to change your identity”

“I will if it’s needed”

“thank you for saving Jihoon” he thanked her, who only smiled as response “I just did what I thought I should do”

“I have to go, be aware of who follows you. I saw some men before, don’t get killed”

“I won’t. A-ah before I forget.. Jihoon’s name is now Woozi, don’t forget it” she said

“I’ll keep that in mind” he said, bowing a little before going away, his caramel macchiato long forgotten on the table. _Woozi?_

***

“So how do we tell Soonyoung now? We can’t leave him out from this. He has the right to know” Mingyu asked, sitting at Wonwoo’s desk. The 9 of them, including Minghao and Jun, who had officially transferred from the Chinese branch, were there. “How do you tell a person who has almost choked himself to death that his husband is alive, but he doesn’t remember who he is?” Jeonghan burtled in, being especially sensitive today.

“If we give him back the snowflake necklace that lady has given me?” Joshua proposed “I mean, we can use it as an explanation to what we have found out”

“This is making my nerves act up, let’s just tell Soonyoung he is alive” Seungkwan said, pacing around the room with his wheelchair.

“Tell me who is alive?” Everyone stopped in their track as soon as they heard his voice. The door had been opened, now revealing a full suited Soonyoung, or Hoshi as he now preferred.

Seungcheol got up from his seat and approached him by the back of his shoulders. “I think you should sit down for this” he said, dragging the other to his previous seat. He  didn’t have the slightest clue about it “what?”

Jeonghan motioned Joshua with his eyes to the necklace he had put on the table to show to them before. The soft brown haired boy got up from his seat and approached his boss “I think this should be with you now” he said, taking the palm of his and lowering the necklace on it. Hoshi stared at the snowflake necklace for a moment, not sure of what he was feeling. Surprise? Longing? Sadness?. He rolled the sparkly beam in between his fingers, before he spoke quietly “Where did you get this?”

“Soonyoung” Wonwoo called out “We’ve been following a woman for more than a week now. Exactly 9 days ago my pc captured the signal of Jihoon’s formal phone number and chip inside his phone. It had started working again after two years. I thought it was weird, so I checked the calls database and found out about this woma-“

“who is she?” he asked, eyes betraying his stoic face. Wonwoo could see right through him.

“I sent Joshua to follow her”

“and?”

“Jihoon is alive, Soonyoung. That woman has saved him that day” Joshua chimed in, hand coming to touch said boy’s shoulder as to ground him. His shoulders began to tremble, nerves were starting to give in, his head had started hurting too. “W-what do you mean he is alive? I SAW HIM CLOSING HIS EYES IN FRONT OF ME.. W-WITH BULLETS AND BLOOD” he got up from the chair, which fell back with a loud tud.

“Soonyoung, calm down” Seungcheol reached to him, keeping his in place “breath, we have to talk this through” he gained a nod in response. Vernon handed him a bottle of water, hoping it could soothe him somehow. Soonyoung thankfully took it, sipping from it lightly “My Jihoonie is alive? Where is he now? What do you know that I don’t know and why don’t you report to me anymore? what the fuck guys, I’m the boss here”

“Because we thought we should confirm it before we make any statements” Mingyu said, holding his face between his palms

“That woman, Park Kyung Mi saved him. She said they had brought you to the border already while Jihoon’s body was still there. She went there, picked him up and rushed to the hospital. I checked his medical records and honestly, it creeped me out a little” Wonwoo explained

“Why??” Soonyoung asked, starting to whine like a little child would

“Because apparently his heart started beating again after 1 hour of death” the black haired boy answered honestly

“This is starting to sound like Twilight” Mingyu added hoping to lighten the mood a little, but only received a smack on the back of his head by Wonwoo and a “do you want to die?”

“How is that even possibile? M-my Jihoonie is still here… can I see him? Where is he now?”

“She said he has a serious case of amnesia, he doesn’t know who he is and he is under treatment now”

“Amnesia? What the fuck is this? Mingyu is right, now this is just starting to sound like a bad telenovela. Is this a joke right? Guys, I’m gonna kill all of you now” Soonyoung said, sounding desperate. He finished all his water. Mingyu’s eyes twitched with “Twilight is a movie, not a telenovela” but he said “it’s not a joke. He doesn’t remember anything. I guess you can call post traumatic stress disorder”

“the world really hates me then” Soonyoung added, plopping himself on the chair “I want to see him” he took his head in his hands, messing his hair. “Well… how about we enrol in his college?” Seungkwan asked, finally stopping his pacing around motion, who almost had Jeonghan throwing up the sushi he had eaten for lunch.

“Is he in college?”

“Yeah and close your mouth. You are drooling with just the thought of him” Jeonghan said, moving his hand to close the other’s mouth, who had been left hanging. _He looks like a puffer fish_

“Is this a new mission?” Joshua asked, corner of his lips twitching

“Sounds like it” Seungcheol said

 

Soonyoung didn’t know what to do. He could either cry out of joy or out of sadness. Of joy because his husband was still alive, out of sadness because he didn’t remember him at all. _But at least he is alive, no?_

_***_

 

Two days later

A slighter healthy looking Seungkwan stood by the door watching his boyfriend getting ready for “school”, well college. The other looked mesmerizing as always, those fluffy curly hair he loved so much, he could run his fingers through them forever. And those eyes, big and clear. He loved them the most. “Honestly, you guys are getting all the fun” he said, trying to catch his attention

“All the fun? Babe, I have to go to classes too. That means I’ll have to listen to old professors speak for hours and hours” Vernon said, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt. “You can always sleep through them” Seungkwan laughed, approaching him in his wheelchair “sit down, let me help you. You look like you are about to fight your own shirt”

Vernon sat down on their bed, creamy white sheets covering it, which they had been sharing again. Smiling sheepishly  “But if they call me out for it, I would have to kill them to keep them silent”

“yah, what we said about killing innocent people?” Seungkwan pouted, his fingers reaching the hem of the shirt’s collar. “Besides you and the others are just there to watch over Jihoon and maybe approach him somehow, don’t know, be friends”. With a finger, he moved aside a curl which was bothering his vision, which was mostly named Boo Seungkwan.

“I was just kidding” he smiled “Then good. Here all done. Seriously, how can you not be able to adjust your own shirt-“ he didn’t even have the time to finish as he was suddenly embraced by two strong arms and pulled on a warm body. Vernon had been smirking strangely since the night before “yah, what’s with all of this skinship lately? Did my scolding work?”  the slighter shorter one asked, he didn’t receive a vocal answer though. Vernon had kissed him to hush him.

“what?”

“What would you say if I asked you to marry me?” he questioned suddenly, smirking all way to Mars. He left the smaller completely out of breath, eyes wide and a look of disbelief on his face. “W-what? M-marry?”

Vernon nodded “yeah, you know marry me” he tightened the hold on his waist “marry me” he kept chanting, as his lips found his way all over his boo’s cheeks. “Maybe” Seungkwan answered, pleased with all the pecks and the emotions he was feeling in that moment “maybe”

Vernon smirked again, his lips finally setting over the other’s. A  _maybe is always a yes._

 

 

***

Same day, only two hours later

Soonyoun- Hoshi had dyed his hair just the other day. He was now sporting silver hair, a hint of purple quietly fading through the locks. Joshua had said he would have looked good with that kind of colour, so he had just followed what his friend and employee had said.

He was now complaining to him “What if he won’t ever remember me, Shua hyung?” being the kind soul, of course Joshua didn’t have the heart of hushing him. Also because he was his boss and a mafia boss along the way, but he was getting tired of the same question replayed over every beat of second. “He will, soon or later he will remember” 

“but.. how soon is soon and how later is later?” he asked only to receive a timid shrug of shoulders “I don’t know Soonyoungie, we’ll have to find out and work on it, okay?” honestly, sometime Joshua felt as if he was taking care of a small child, with the need of tending and nurturing. But who he was to be blamed? Soonyoung had all the right to feel like this.

“Guys, sorry there was a terrific traffic jam over the intersection. Are we on time?” Mingyu asked, as he linked arms with Minghao and Jun. “Considering that you were always late for class back in the day, you are on time” Joshua scolded him “let’s go, I heard there is an assembly today, so no classes for students. What a bless”

“Sometimes I forgot he is a priest” Minghao quietly whispered, thinking nobody had heard him, only to cringe when he heard the Korean-American say “Think I haven’t heard you, little one? May the lord bless you”

They decided to not comment on that one.

They made their way to the assembly’s hall, expecting to see a middle aged man deliver a boring ass speech. What they saw though, was not what they were expecting. A tall and handsome guy stood on the stage, singing on top of his lungs while a much shorter friend was trying to pull him down from that. All they students were laughing, bathing in that guy’s sense of humor and scene unfolding in front of their eyes

Jun muttered a soft “what the fuck, that guy can sing!”

Hoshi had stopped as soon as his eyes landed on the shorter guy. He would recognize that ass- _**person**_ anywhere, anyway. “Jihoonie…” he whispered to himself. Mingyu saw him and lowered himself to tell him something “He looks healthy” only to receive a nod in response “yeah, he looks okay”

“Seokmin what the fuck! Get down from that. Stop singing my song- no what the fuck not that one! I haven’t finished it yet” they heard Jihoon swear at what he was probably his friend.

“if that guy is bulling him, he is so going to get killed by my own hands” ah a violent Soonyoung.

“WOOZIII STOP TRYING TO STOP ME” the other had said, before going back to sing. “You motherfuck- stop now” Woozi said, dragging the much taller guy off stage “Why do I even bother with you?”

“Well… It looks like this Woozi is a feisty one, no?” Joshua suddenly asked, his eyes lingering for a second more on that tan but obnoxious guy. “Well… he has just dragged a guy twice his size of stage by his shirt” Minghao commented

“my lovely cat” Soonyoung said, his eyes twitching in hearts

“Hoshi, stop drooling”

***

“Woozi hyung, I feel somehow weird, like someone is following us” Seokmin said, scratching a point of his forehead that was terribly itchy. When he had weird feelings, he would always feel itchy. “Following us, you say?” the shorter asked, not bothering to look at him

“yeah, but not like physically. I just feel observed”

“that’s because you always put on a freak show. Now people won’t stop staring at us” he complained, shaking  blond hair out of his eyes. Sitting down, they were waiting for the principal to deliver a speech. “Hyung, I’m being serious. You see those guys on the left? They have been watching us for a while and one of them hasn’t moved his eyes from you once” he explained, getting even more itchy “god I feel so itchy wtf”

“I think you are being over paranoid”

“Paranoid? Then take a look yourself” he said taking the shorter’s head in his hands and turning to the left, faking to be messing around with the other “yeah Seok- min stop- wtf” he had said, pinching at the taller’s hands so he would let go. Still, he didn’t miss the look that guy was giving him, or he thought he was giving him.

“okay.. maybe you are right. But why he is looking at me?” Woozi rhetorically asked, his mind replaying that person’s expression. _He looks pained. But why is he looking me like that?_

“let’s see how the day goes and If they follow us, let’s confront them” Seokmin answered “It cannot be that bad right? You haven’t killed anyone right?”

The shorter was already annoyed by now, so he gave him a look “I swear you are first on the list”

 

 

 

 

***

 

Hoshi had been following him with his eyes during the whole assembly and principal’s speech. His eyes couldn’t leave the other for more than a few seconds. He didn’t know what it was gotten into him. He couldn’t pull away. Looking all cute but fiery, Hoshi thought Jihoon hadn’t changed one bit, even if he didn’t remember them and their story.

“Hosh, don’t stare at him too much. He is starting to look uncomfortable and annoyed” Mingyu called him out, pulling his friend away “let’s go out for a bit, okay. This is boring anyway” the tall man said, pointing out to the principal’s speech

“Mingyu.. I don’t know if I can control the urge to just go up to him and swoop him away” Hoshi said, going out in the hall with the taller. “Hyung, I think you are asking for a beating” Mingyu joked “you know you can’t do that. We need to approach him in another way”

Days passed, Chil Yong Pa  group was still going to university and keeping their eyes on the Jihoon. On the other hand, the boy was starting to feel more annoyed day by day. He would see the silver haired boy and his friends everywhere he went. Seokmin had had enough too. His itchy had been uncontrollably too.

_Why the fuck. I can’t stand him and his little friends anymore._

They were eating in the cafeteria, before their next class began but Woozi didn’t have appetite at all. “I’m going to talk to him. He is bothering the hell out of me. I mean if likes me that much, can't he just approach me and be friends? What a creep”

“talk to him? We don’t know what kind of creep he is. You are not going” Seokmin warned him with one of his fries

“I feel like I’m about to go crazy. He stares at me with those eye- urgh” Woozi groaned in frustration “that’s it. I’m going to drag him out and beat the shit out of him if I need to. Don’t follow me”. He got up from his seat, eyes fixed on a table of what actually looked 6 obnoxious people and a quiet one, who was always looking at his phone.

“Shit.. is he coming to our table?” Jun whispered to Minghao as he was about to munch on his bread. The other looked to the side with the corner of his eyes “yeah he is coming here”

“who’s coming?” Vernon asked, rising his eyes from his phone

“uh.. I feel like I’m about to die” Hoshi said, turning his face away and pretending to be talking to Mingyu.

Woozi finally approached them “I’m sorry to bother you” he began “but can you tell your friend who is now pretending to talk to that bean pole right there to stop staring at me”. All of 6 , minus Hoshi, stared at him with mouths parted. They couldn’t believe it or maybe they could. “tsk.. can’t even look properly at me” he commented “excuse me” he knocked on the other’s shoulder, who slowly turned around to look at him “yeah?”

Woozi rolled his eyes at him “if I catch you staring at me again, you are dead”

“yah, I’m not a bean pole wtf” Mingyu said suddenly remembering what he heard

“Well, you look like one to me”

“you are just envious I’m tall and you are short” he talked back, eyes boring right through the other “what a midget”

“Mingyu, enough” Hoshi warned him, pinching his tight. By now Woozi was raging. So what if he was short, but he was not a midget. He was shooting draggers to all of them when Joshua chimed in “I’m sorry for my friends’ behaviour, we won’t annoy you and your friend anymore. You can relax about that”

 _Why do I feel like his voice is familiar?_ “whatever”

Seokmin couldn’t bear the sight of his friend with strangers. So he got up, approached the table too, calling the smaller out “Woozi hyung, let’s go” he said, grabbing him by his wrist, taking him far away from that group.

***

Hoshi’s mind kept replaying that moment for the whole day. He didn’t like the way that tall guy, Seokmin, had taking his husband by his wrist. He didn’t like the fact he could have him but he, himself couldn’t. He knew they were just friends, or so he wanted, liked to believe. The two genuinely looked like a pair of good friends, and even if Hoshi was jealous about it, he would still thank that loud guy for being there for Jihoon, while he couldn’t.

“I couldn’t even protect him properly” he sighed, dropping his head on table, closing his eyes for a minute. “Isn’t destiny funny?” he asked himself “When I thought I had lost him, I bailed my eyes out hoping he would somehow remember me and us” _but he doesn’t_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think... i should find myself a beta editor
> 
> lol I'm too lazy to proof read, sorry  
> enjoy


	4. Weird

Woozi hadn’t seen that silver haired creep/hamster looking guy for a few days. His friends were the only ones around, a part from the bean pole that called him a midget. But something weird didn’t pass unobserved. One day, he had seen one of that creep’s friend talking and smiling to Seokmin, which was indeed strangely odd. Even odder, when he swore he saw the slighter shorter and delicate looking boy shooting **hearteyes** to his friend. But being the clueless person he was, Seokmin probably wouldn’t even realize it, he thought

He followed them around for a while, hiding behind a big pole when he heard them talking “I only wanted to apologize properly to you and your friend. I mean, Hoshi can be a little bit of a fool when he has a crush” he heard Joshua say.

_He has a crush… on me? How can you have a crush on a person you don’t even know?_

“he has a crush on hyung?” this time Seokmin spoke, his voice waving in a question. “Yeah, but he is not a creep. He doesn’t want to bother your friend”

_He is a little bit of a creep tho_

“Maybe he is not, but Woozi hyung felt very uncomfortable during the past days. He doesn’t really like that kind of attention, so it set him a bit off”

“I can understand, Hoshi feels sorry too. He is just not really well these days, so he might have looked a little bit weird”

_But if he likes me that much, why doesn’t ask me out? I would still say no, but like come on instead of creeping people out, it’s better if you just do it the traditional way._

“I haven’t seen him around though”

“yeah, something came up. Nothing much, but he won’t be coming for a few days more”

***

Few days had passed, and like Joshua had told his friend, Hoshi had returned. He looked tired and worn out. Seokmin had told him everything. The things Joshua said, about Hoshi having a crush on him. “But if he likes me that much to stare at me for freaking 15 days, why wouldn’t he come over and at least talk to me?

“Hyung, this is the sixth time you’ve asked me and yourself. I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t feel like it or he didn’t want to tell you yet. But why? Do you want him to ask you out or something? Oh my, couldn’t it be? Don’t tell me you like him” Seokmin had playfully asked, eyebrows rising up just as the corner of his mouth.

“w-what? I don’t like him” defensive mode Woozi on “I just don’t understand”

Seokmin deadpanned  “hyung. I think you want him to ask you out”

“I don’t want him to ask me out” Woozi answered, nose cutely scrunching up. The taller rolled his eyes “Whatever, I’m going. I have a date with Joshua hyung”

“what???” the smaller exclaimed confused, tugging his friend by his shirt, making him sit down on his chair, hard. “how in hell are you going on a date with that church boy?”

“well, we’ve been talking ever since I told you and I think he is nice so”. Woozi felt like his head was about to explode “whatever, go to your church boy. I’ll wait for the hamster to do something wrong so I can put him in a cage”

He bid the goodbye and went outside to take some fresh air. There was a fountain right in the middle of the garden and you could sit by it. That’s what Woozi was about to do and did. He sat down, staring at his feet and closing his eyes for a minute. He sighed and opened them again. He looked around, when he saw him. _Hoshi._ The silver haired guy was resting under a tree, with his eyes closed. He was listening to music, sad music probably, as he swore he might have seen one or two tears falling from that man’s eyes

_Why are you crying?_

_Wait.. why do I even ask myself about that_

_But why are you crying?_

_Is it because of me or because there’s something that’s bothering you?_

_Wtf Woozi why in the hell are you asking yourself this._

_Get a grip._

_But.._

_I want to know why._

He was woken up from his thoughts when he saw that guy fall on the ground suddenly. _Omg, is he okay?_ He got up and approached him, nobody else even cared to look at him. “Yah, you creep are you okay?” he squatted down to match the level, patting the other’s shoulder to see if he responded “creep? Hei… are you there? Creep.” He checked his forehead and found out the other was burning. “shit, can’t you like mind your health properly”

 _Why would you help him? Just leave him alone underneath that tree._ His bad conscience spoke

 _Because he is a person too, who is clearly hurting._ His good one spoke

He was having an internal dispute when a faint voice caught his attention “J-jihoonie”

“umh? who?” he asked, but the other didn’t answer back. _Aish. This is the first time and the last time I help you, creep_

He picked him up for the best he could and brought him to the emergency infirmary, provided by their university. Half an hour later, he found himself sitting on a chair by the bed Hoshi was resting on. The nurse told him that the boy was now sporting a high fever, but nothing too terrible.

 _He looks in pain though_ Woozi thought as he changed the wet rag on the other’s forehead.  _Why am I taking care of you?_ _I don’t even know you but why I find myself asking questions about you?_

_Aish. I don’t know. I’m just going to search for one of his friends and tell them what happened._

Getting up, he exited the big infirmary room with the hope of finding one of Hoshi’s friends. Honestly, where are  they? When you need them, there are no where to find.

“weird.dudes.” He muttered under his breaths, mentally cursing at them “wtf.really” He searched in the bathrooms, in classes, in the gym but still he didn’t find them. He called Seokmin on the phone, hoping the latter would at least answer him. But no he was out on a date with church boy and who knows what were they doing in that moment.

After more than 30 minutes, he gave up and went back to the infirmary. He passed two isles before getting to where Hoshi was staying. Opening the door, he didn’t expect to see the other boy standing up. With eyes still closed, Hoshi was buttoning up the shirt the nurse had removed because the boy had been sweating too much due to his fever. _is that a tattoo? Chil yong- what? cute._

“you are up?” he suddenly asked, left hand down on the door’s handle. A familiar voice perched Hoshi’s ears so that his eyes immediately shot in its direction. “what are you doing here?” he asked, looking anywhere but the smaller.

“Is this the way you thank people?” Woozi asked, slightly annoyed “you fainted from fever and I brought you here. You own me at least a thank you. And could you like stop looking around and actually confront me?”

As soon as he asked, Hoshi looked up, locking his eyes with the red haired “thank you, I appreciate your help and I’m sorry”

He moved his hands around as to say “yeah yeah, apologies accepted” but instead of voicing that out, he entered fully in the room to pick up his things. “do you feel better?”

“uhm?” a startled Hoshi. He couldn’t not think he looked cute. _Really? Woozi. Cute? He looks like an hamster. A bad version of hamtaro._ “how do you feel?” he asked again while putting on his back pack.

“a little bit better. Did the nurse give me something?” Hoshi put on his shoes and searched for his phone.

“yeah a shot. Your fever wasn’t too much high but you were sweating a lot and looking in pain” Woozi explained as he waited for the other to pack his things up “uhm.. I searched for your friends but I couldn’t find them”

“I think there should be Joshua. He had classes around this hour” he put the phone in his pocket and grabbed his back pack and jacket, putting it on.

“well… I think he is on a date”

“date?”  a confused looking Hoshi? _Cute. Wtf Woozi again._

“your friend has been hitting on Seokmin. They are on a date. Didn’t you know?” he raised an eyebrow out of question, to which Hoshi only shrugged. “He only said he had something to say to him, not that they were going on a date”

“I hope he is not a creep like you” Woozi said, clearly irony in his voice. He was only joking. “I’m not a creep” the other fought back, holding his chin up.

“then…” he was fighting the urge to ask but he couldn’t control himself. He only wanted to know. Out of curiosity, claro que si. “why did you stare at me?”. Hoshi almost tripped on his feet and he was barely moving “ehm..”

“ehm…?” Woozi approached him, arms crossed over his chest “elaborate on that”

“I don’t know how to say it” the silver haired boy answered before dismissing the fatal question with “I have to go now, thank you for helping me”. He was about to exit the room when a hand gripped his left arm, pulling him back.

“I won’t let go until you give me a proper answer” he spoke, gripping his arm tighter. Instead of vocalizing a sentence that made sense, which was not Soonyoung’s forte in that kind of moments, _You know relationship issues_ ,  he grabbed the other by his waste and lowered his head quickly to meet his lips, before he could jerk away. It was only a peck, not more than that. Soonyoung didn’t want to take advantages of a person who didn’t remember him, even if he was his husband.

Woozi’s body went stiff. He was expecting anything but that. Did he just kiss him? Well, it’s a peck but still lips meeting lips, therefore a kiss. On his lips. He had kissed him. He wanted to shout and scold the taller but he couldn’t do so. He was far too out of it, shock on his face.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I don’t know how to say things like this so I just showed you because you kept insisting. Don’t be angry at me” Hoshi apologized, bowing his head slightly “I won’t bother you anymore. I need to go, now. Good bye” he said, going away from that place. He needed to be alone too. He was about to cry. _What a weak person, you are Soonyoung. Even a small peck, makes you feel like this. This is why you couldn’t protect him. This is why he doesn’t remember you. You are a failure._

_***_

That night Woozi didn’t feel like sleeping at all, his mind replaying a certain moment of his day. He rolled on his bed, back and forth as he couldn’t find peace. He kept thinking about the peck and how Hoshi had looked so sad. Another question lingering in the air.   _“Why does it feel so familiar to have you on my lips?”_   he whispered to his pillow, before he realized what he had said. Pillow becoming his punching sack. “what the fuck?” 

He managed to fall asleep around 3 am, after fixing himself a good old cup of chamomile tea.That night Woozi dreamed about something weird and horrific. A peach blossom. Beautiful isn’t it? If not for the blood covering the falling petals and a body he couldn’t make out its identity. He had tried to save him, but there was too much blood. He couldn’t do anything to help that person. So he just cried and cried, until the streams of tears dried up and left a sign on his cheeks.

Then the scene switched to something else. A hotspring in the middle of nowhere.  The steam surrounded his body, as it made him invisible, almost cloud looking. He reached to the middle of the hotspring when he saw two people sharing an intimate kiss.

He suddenly woke up, sweating and breathing through his nose. The sharp contrast between the two dreams made him feel dizzy.

What the fuck.

***

That night Soonyoung, not as Hoshi, decided to go out with Seungcheol and Jeonghan. A little alcohol time couldn’t hurt him, no? he was not planning on getting wasted but it was exactly what he was doing.

“yah, Soonyoung slow down. Here take a piece of dried squid” Jeonghan said, handing it out to him. Seungcheol only shook his head to the sight.

He grabbed the piece of squid, putting it in his mouth, munching on it with a slight pout “Why is this happening to me? I’m a bad person, that’s why. Jihoon is alive but he doesn’t remember me and probably now he hates me too” he whined.

“why would he hate you? What did you guys do at that college?” Seungcheol asked tugging down a glass of bear. “I think I know what he did” Jeonghan chimed in, hands on his pretty drink

“what did I do?” suddenly Soonyoung asked “I didn’t kiss him, no I didn’t do that whatsoever”

“he didn’t say you kissed him” Seuncheol spoke

“no, but he is thinking about it” the younger of the three answered pouting, a finger pointing to a smiling angel like devil. “But you kissed him, right?” the devil asked, corner of his mouth rising up a little. "Yes” Soonyoung answered, his eyes staring at his hands. He noticed the still unfinished bottle of soju and thought he was a good  idea to finish it in one go.

“okay, no more alcohol for you” Seungcheol warned, as he hid the only bottle of bear left underneath his chair.

“did he slap you?”

“no”

“did he scream at you?”

“no”

“did he kiss you back?”

“no”

“did he even react?”

“I don’t… know” he let his head drop on the table, tears pooling around his eyes “He hates me. He isn’t going to remember me anymore. I-I… I can’t even do my job right”

“Seungcheol, let’s bring him to our flat. We can’t leave him alone in his house” Jeonghan said before getting up to go to pay “I’ll go pay and then we can go”. Seungcheol could only nod. He wore his jacked and helped Soonyoung out with his. “Soonyoungie?” he called out, pinching his cheek to see if he was still alive or what. The boy whined in pain “it hurts, what do you want? You are not Jihoon”

“I’m Seungcheol and trying to help you”

“okay”

***

Soonyoung kept drinking for a few days, he didn’t go to college, he didn’t know what Jihoon was up to, due to him being too drunk to even ask. He had dreams at night, dreams where his husband would remember him. Dreams where Jihoon was there with him, arms and legs tangled with each other on the bed. Dreams where Jihoon would pat and comb his fingers through his hair, whispering “I’m here now” on his skin.

But dreams were only dreams. A night, Soonyoung woke on the cold tide, cheek pressed against the pavement, too drunk to function properly.

Wonwoo had just entered his attic when they heard a loud sob coming from the main bedroom “Did he drink again?” he whispered out loud, going straight to that fucking room “Kwon Soonyoung, what the fuck are you doing with your life?” he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. The sight of his dearest friend hunched on the floor crying histerically, refrained him to do so. Like he always did, he choose to be quiet and help him “Soonyoung, come with me”

“W-wonwoo?” the other asked, rising his crying face “I’m such a failure, Wonwoo” he started crying even more “Tell me, what do I have to do to make him remember me? Tell me and I’ll do anything I can, j-just p-please”

The taller boy crouched on the floor next to him, rubbing his back to soothe him a little “do you want to know? I’ll tell you”

“really?” a drunk Soonyoung is usually to not easy to cooperate with, but this time he looked rather high. He nodded “The first thing you need to do is stop drinking. Jihoon doesn’t like when you drink so much and furthermore you can’t do much in a drunk stance, can you?”

The other shook his face, but regretting soon after doing so. He gripped his head with his hands, trying to stop the dizziness “what’s the other things?”

“well, you can just confess to him your feelings and see if he is willing to test things out” he began, hand still rubbing his friend’s back.“but I’ve already kissed him…” Soonyoung whispered, dropping his forehead on his knees.

“then ask him out, I’m sure you’ve left him quite confused with your actions. You should at least try”.

The smaller dried his eyes from his tears and nodded his head quickly, causing his head to spin again “argh…”

“sober up and we’ll find out how to make him remember you. Now it’s time to get you to sleep” he said, helping the other up and putting him to bed. “Try sleeping, I’ll be here for you”

***

Mingyu had a lot to say to Wonwoo after seeing Soonyoung’s state for the past few days. Both guys were like two different political parties. They used to date before, they didn’t even remember why they had broken up. Or maybe they did. It had escalated quickly from “this is all of our fault” to “if it wasn’t to you shitty skills over our company’s security system” to “well, If you hadn’t let yourself get stabbed in the stomach, maybe we would had enough team to send out” to fist fights and punches to rough kisses, moans and a cold bed that had found its warmth again.

After a couple of hours they were both staring at the ceiling, not knowing how to approach the other first “Wonwoo” Mingyu started, calling the other out softly “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s everyone’s fault in this. We made mistakes, we managed to get out alive, we saved him and thankfully somebody saved Jihoon too”

Wonwoo closed his eyes, turning to lie on his side, giving the other his naked back “you shouldn’t have said that. You shouldn’t have come here”. Mingyu scooted near him, putting an arm over his waist, lips resting on that naked shoulders. He began to leave small kisses, just a light press of lips on skin. “do you regret.. doing this with me?”

“I don’t. I just stated this is something we shouldn’t have done” he said, eyes closed. He didn’t want to open them, fearing to become to pliant over the other’s puppy eyes.

“but we did it”

“I know my back hurts. I know we did it” Wonwoo said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. Suddenly, he turned to the other, hiding his face in Mingyu’s chest. With eyes still closed, he spoke again “I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have said that either”.

The taller embraced him quickly, letting his forehead drop on the other’s shoulder, light brown hair lingering on skin “Wonwoo, this is not the first time it happened. I still have feelings for you. I have never forgot what I felt. I just.. couldn’t”

“I know” the slighter shorter one answered, black hair falling over his eyes. He gripped the other’s waist tighter, hiding his face even more “I have never stopped loving you, Mingyu”

“I know” Mingyu said “why are we like this?”

_“because we were not meant to love and to be loved, but we choose to do so anyways”_

_***_

“I swear to god if that fucking hamster doesn’t come back and asks me out, I’m going to find him and kill him in his sleep” Woozi kept rambling about Hoshi, also known as creep, aka hamster aka **mr.kissyoubutnevercomesback.**

“Woozi” Seokmin spoke with a deadpanned face, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What?” he shot him a look “don’t freaking deadpan at me, traitor”

“how am I traitor?”

“You went on a date with Joshua without telling me anything other than that you had a date with him” he answered truthfully “where is he by the way?”

“He is coming, you only want to know where’s your crush, not my dating history” Seokmin pouted, a look not really suiting his features. “Stop pouting. I want to both things”

“So he’s your crush”

“I have never said I have a crush on Hoshi, what are you talking about?”

“but you didn’t deny it”

“argh.. SEOKMIN , DO YOU WANNA DIE?” he yelled grabbing the other by his neck, of course he was only faking to choke him but a worried Joshua had already seen the scene and by how protective he was, he shoved the smaller of the three aside, maybe putting too much force in it.  Woozi fell flat on his face.  “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry are you okay?” Joshua asked, scurrying over to the other to help him out “if you are really sorry, tell me where’s Hoshi”

Seokmin facepalmed again “and you go around telling you haven’t crushed on him”

“Seok. Min. Do. You. Wanna. Die?” Woozi gritted his teeth, looking much more like a angry kitten then a tiger “Okay, calm down. Let’s talk over this in a civil manner” the angeliclike boy hushed them to sit down “So, tell me. What’s the problem?” he said, with hands intertwined over the table, much like a pastor, _ **which he actually was but don’t tell Seokmin.**_

 “Apparently Hoshi has kissed him and has got his panties twisted for him but he won’t show up in college” Seokmin said, summing up the whole thing in a very direct but effective manner. Woozi didn’t have anything to say, what his friend had said was not too far from reality anyways, so he only sighed in compliant

“Why are you not screaming at me for what I said?” Seokmin asked, a look of disbelief on his face

“because you are not completely wrong”

“Soo… do you like my friend? Already? Wow, Hoshi knows how to make the moves” Joshua nodded his head, approving everything that was happening “You know how to make the moves too, Shua hyung” Seokmin flirted, looking at the other with lovely eyes, blowing him a kiss.

“I thought I wouldn’t live enough to see him flirting with a guy” Woozi spoke to himself, but the other two heard him anyways, a baffled laugh escaping their throats. “Okay, enough. Where is Hoshi?” the red haired asked for the umpteenth time.

“He is in one of dance practice’s room on the third floor. He said he had to release some stress out, why? Do you want to talk to him?” concerned, angel answered. Face on his hand, as he stared at Seokmin eating an apple. 

“Yeah. He can’t just kiss me and act like nothing happened” he got up and grabbed his things “Thank you for telling me where he is, you probably wouldn’t see him before I’m done with him”. Joshua broke out in a big laughter “okay okay, just don’t be too mean. He has a soft heart” he advised. 

“I’ll bake that heart” He said before exiting the cafeteria, going straight to practice rooms on the third floor

“Shua hyung” Seokmin called out, feeding him a piece of apple.  “mh, babe what is it?” he asked, with a perfect English accent

“you look like a pastor sometimes”.  At that, Joshua grinned awkwardly before stuffing his face with food. 

***

5 minutes later, Woozi arrived to said place, eyes searching for the incriminated practice room. The one where that hamster-looking creep was in. He heard loud music coming from one of them. He tried to take a peek from the small window on the door, expecting some dance moves. But the other was sitting down, back pressed against the mirror and eyes closing.   _A perfect opportunity to bake, Woozi. Totally perfect._

He opened the door quietly, entering the practice room. Hoshi didn’t even hear him due to his light steps and loud music, busting from the speakers. Though he noticed when the music was abruptly interrupted. His eyes immediately shot up. He certainly didn’t expect to witness **_him_** in front of his eyes, in that moment so he stared with mouth agape.

The smaller shook his head and approached the other, crouching on his feet in order to close his mouth “you have a thing for staring, what’s that? A new kind of kink?” he asked sitting down completely. His mouth was completely shut by now.

 _How the hell did he even manage to ask Jihoon out years ago? How can he do it now?_ He saw a hand waving in front of his eyes, trying to gain his attention. So he just did what he had to do. He grabbed that hand and squeezed it. This time, Woozi was the one left with his mouth agape. He tried pulling his hand away. “Why are holding my hand? I didn’t allow you to do so”

“Would you allow me if I asked you?” Hoshi asked, the cap he was wearing lowered over his eyes.  “ No, because we are not close to each other” Woozi answered, straightforward.  He didn’t actually want to let go, pull away from something that felt, impossibly, like home. _What are you even thinking?_

“I see” Hoshi pulled away, his hands resting on top of his lap “why are you here? Is there something I can help you with?”

 _Don’t let go_ the smaller had found himself thinking, mentally slapping himself for having such thoughts “There is something you can help me with” he said, almost regretting what he was about to do. “With what?” Hoshi asked, clueless to the other’s current need.

However he would have expected anything but a **_restless looking kitty_** , crawling into his lap and kissing him. “Why do I have to do to make you act like a man and ask me out?” Woozi asked, his lips lingering slightly over the other’s, hands firmly steady on his cheeks.

“What? No response. Hoshi, I’m getting angry here” he pulled away and got up “Why am I even trying? Guess you don’t like me that much” he said as started walking to the door.  Before he knew, he was yanked back by a strong arm. Spun around, and lips meeting in a battle no one could win. 

While Hoshi gripped at his waist, holding him against his body, Woozi had found his way along the other's neck, hands curled around the base of his hair.  Kissing like time had stopped and no one else was there.  Unfortunately, time hadn’t stopped and there wasn’t only them in college. That’s how the janitor caught them making out in the middle of a dancing room, shouting at them to get a room cause he had to clean.

Once they were outside, things got awkward “Well, I guess I’ll just get going” Woozi said _or do you have something to say, dumb hamster creeppp??????_

“meet me in front of the campus tonight at 8?” Hoshi asked, eyes shining with hope and something Woozi couldn’t not distinguish but he he nodded yes without thinking twice. Hoshi smiled at him, eyes disappearing in thin lines. Cute.

 

***

At 8 o’clock Woo<i bid goodbye to his roommate aka best friend aka loud and obnoxious Seokmin without telling him where he was going, otherwise the other wouldn’t have let him live. He headed to the front of the campus, crossing through the campus’ main garden.

Hoshi was standing at the gate, dressed in a dark beige button up shirt and skinny black pants. One thing, Woozi noticed, was different. He was now sporting black hair, which contrasted heavenly with the colour of his shirt. _Looks like you are drooling already? What was your resolution about not giving an inch to the creep?_

He noticed him, giving him a big soft smile “Hi”. Woozi approached him, standing awkwardly in front of him “Hi” he said, looking away. Teasing the other about being a creep and not asking him out earlier was far easier than the real thing, he thought. _This is embarrassing. But crawling in his lap and kissing him like no tomorrow, wasn’t it eh?_

The other cleared his throat to catch his attention “did you eat dinner already?”

“yeah, did you?” he asked, finally looking at him. “Yes but I’ve been craving for ice cream. Do you want some?”

Woozi nodded, smiling a little “let’s go”

Their walk, side to side, hands barely touching each other, was quite silent. They both didn’t know how to approach the other.

“Hoshi”

“Woozi”

Hoshi laughed a little “okay you go first”

“mh.. nothing, go ahead”

“You look pretty, I like your red hair. It suits you a lot” he said, glancing at the other. “I’m not pretty, but thank you. You look good too, with black hair”

“You are a princess, what are you talking about?” Hoshi smiled, putting his hands in his bomber jacket. Woozi stopped in his track, eyes flickering and shooting draggers “What did you just call me?”

“Princess?” the taller questioned, deadpanning. “Princess. You called me princess?” he asked rhetorically “I’ll show you what this princess can do with his hands” he said before approaching the other’s, pinching his cheeks and dragging him by his ear to the ice cream parlour.

“y-yah yah- this hurts” Hoshi complained in pain “s-stop” and he did so “That is what you get for calling me princess, hamster”

“What did you call me?” he asked, stopping and faking serious eyes. “Hamster, duh?” Woozi rolled his eyes before the taller pulled him towards himself, chest to chest. “This is what you get for calling me hamster, princess” he said before diving in for a quick peck, before letting go. Woozi blinked a few times before following the other who had started walking again, kicking his ass in the meanwhile. He laughed “this is so funny, sorry if I kicked you hard”

“I-I’ve a-almost lost my balls”

He laughed even more, eyes disappearing in thiny lines “o-omg HAHAHAHAHAAHAH”

“I can’t believe you laugh at my misery” he pouted. 

His laughter had finally died down. He was about to say something when a guy approached them. “Soonyoung, is that you?” Woozi heard him calling. _Who is Soonyoung?_ He was lost in his thoughts when the guy seemed to call him too “Jihoon? You are a-“

The taller didn’t let the guy finish. He had covered the other’s mouth with an hand and started laughing histerically “hahahahaha Aron hyung, what brings you here? Weren’t you in Australia?” he asked, giving him a look _you better shut up before I kill you._ But the older feigned ignorance, removed the other’s hand and spoke “yeah, I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your wedding”

“Wedding????”” Woozi asked in disbelief, his fist up ready to throw punches to a certain hamster. His nerves were aching. Hoshi just laughed it off “sorry, my hyung likes to joke around”

“What are you talking about? Didn’t you get married a while ago?” Aron asked, confused as ever. The youngest of the two opened his mouth in shock “w-what?”

Hoshi was shocked too, because... well, how the fuck would you react to this? How would he explain everything to Jihoon, who didn’t remember anything. “Hyung, this is not funny anymore. We are on a date, so please excuse us” he said before grabbing a frozen Woozi by his hand, taking him to the ice cream parlour, finally.

They both sat down at the table, waiting for the waiter to pick up their order “I’m sorry, Aron hyung is a little bit off with his head and likes to joke around”. Woozi didn’t know what to think at all. Why would that person joke around like that? And why did the other call Hoshi, Soonyoung? … _Soonyoung? Where did I hear this name?_

“your friends are all nuts” he concluded

“yeah, pretty much” Hoshi said, agreeing completely to the other.

They ordered two big cups of icecream. One green tea, the other chocolate flavoured. “So..” Woozi began,  scooping a little bit of ice cream and eating it. “Why did he call you Soonyoung?”. Hoshi almost choked on his chocolate icecream “that’s my real name” he decided to be honest, well partially.

Putting more ice cream in his mouth, he let it melt before asking “So Hoshi is your nickname?. Soonyoung nodded, eyes focused on scooping the icecream out.“But.. isn’t yours a nickname too? Wooji?” he questioned, to test waters.” At that question, his eyes darkened and he started playing with was left  in the cup “Yeah, I guess”

“Is it a sensitive matter?” he asked, ignoring how his heart hurt at the sight of those eyes turning sad. Woozi nodded “I can’t talk about it, I’m sorry”

"it’s okay.  You don’t have to talk about if you don’t want to” he smiled at him, gaze soft.

“You look like a soft hamster right now” Woozi blurted out

“You look like you want to be kissed again” the taller said, a smug expression on his face. He tried to be cool but he only received a kick on his knee under the table. He groaned in pain, as he reached to rub his knee.

 _“that is what serves you right”_ the red haired smirked.


	5. Come with me

A few hours later, at Verkwan’s

The two of them were lying comfortably on the king sized bed, a dim light brightening the dark room. Seungkwan had his head lying on top of the other’s chest, as they both checked their group chat. At a particular message, they had both thrown their phone up, shouting enthusiastically.

**Hoshi-hyung**

_I think the date went well guys, thank you for your emotive support._

_P.s I kissed him again and  got my ass kicked.*hiding face monkey emoji*_

 

Vernon laughed at the emoji used, thinking of how reality can actually be funny sometimes. Mafia boss and associates have their romance too.

“I can’t believe it” Seungkwan managed to say after regaining control over his lungs, after he had almost lost them due to too much laughter. 

“Imagine the scene,” Vernon began “ Soonyoung kisses him and then Jihoon kicks hi- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” he broke out in a fit of open-mouthed giggles. “That’s so Soonhoon” Seungkwan pointed out, before sending a text message along the line of _you’ve worked hard. Good job * red heart emoji*_

“yah.. isn’t the heart emoji only for me tho?” the other pretended to be hurt.

“It’s a friendly heart, don’t be jealous” he said before scooting closer to Vernon, who was lying on his side, complaining. “It was a red heart tho”  he mumbled “You send red hearts only to me”

“oh come on, it just fitted the atmosphere” Seungkwan explained, pouting  because the other wouldn't look at him. So he dropped his chin on the the other’s shoulder and hugged him “Vernon?”

“mh? What is it?” he turned around, scooping him in his embrace. “I want to show you something, can you help me?” he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“With what?”

“Help me stand up, I want to show you what I’ve been practicing with doctor Yoon” Seungkwan answered before pecking the other’s cheek. “What’s with this peck? I want a full kiss” Vernon rambled, diving into a kiss,  the other's lips on his, teeth slightly grazing the bottom one.

Did Seungkwan complain? Of course, no. “Let’s get you up okay?” he asked before getting up, moving to help his boyfriend sit ad the edge of the bed. “What did you practice with doctor Yoon?”

“Standing up on my feet and walking a little” Seungkwan answered, feeling a little bit nervous because of  his still wobbly legs. “That’s great. How can I help you?”

"Help me stand up but don’t let go of my hands” Vernon did so, helping the other on his feet. He hugged him,  assuring Seungkwan was feeling comfortable with his feet on the ground “is this okay?”

Seungkwan nodded “yeah, you can distance yourself a bit”. He let him go a little, gripping his arms to sustain him before giving him a quick peck. “Walk slowly behind you and I’ll follow you”

Vernon nodded and did as the other had said. Slowly stepping back, he watched as the other took small baby steps, one after one, slightly wobbly at the beginning, more firmly as he kept trying. He didn’t even notice the tears streaming down his face along with a big a smile curving on his lips. “You are doing great, babe” he managed to say through his tears, still gripping at his arms

“You are crying” Seungkwan pointed out, stopping in his track. He removed one of the other’s hand from his arm and cupped his left cheek with one of his own. Slowly caressing it, he wiped out some tears but they kept falling. “H-hansollie, don’t cry”

“Seungkwan-ah” he called out before cautiously enveloping the other in a bear-like hug “I’m so proud of you”

 

_For the first time in two years, Seungkwan could finally feel content in himself_

_For the first time in two years, Vernon could finally let out the tears he held inside, proud._

 

***

Meanwhile at Seungcheol’s

After a round of steamy love session, Seuncheol was sprawled out with his back on the bed, a sleepy head resting on his lap, while he traced circles on tattooed skin.“I think we should throw a party” he said before covering his mouth with his hand due to a yawn

Seungcheol kept rubbing the other’s lower back soothingly  as he joked “Yeah, we need to celebrate Soonhoon _getting together_ party” . Jeonghan laughed, smacking faintly the other’s chest “But we should, it’s been a long time since we had a get-together with all the members that doesn’t require lowlife activities”.

“You are right”  he said leaving small kisses on the other’s forehead and cheekbone. “I’m always right” Jeonghan spoke, his hand caressing from his chest to abs, pressing fingertips in a _not so innocent_ way.

“mh” he mumbled before tackling the other underneath him to attack his neck. Biting at the soft expanse of skin between the collarbone and the shoulders, he left a series of blooming red marks.  Jeonghan could only gasp at the feeling, hugging his closer to his own body. He knew his boyfriend loved leaving those marks on him.

_Quite possessive right? But he liked him this way, anyways._

_***_

**A week later**

Seungcheol and Jeonghan had been preparing the party for a week now, whilst managing the group’s black market missions. They had also invited  some extra friends from work to celebrate. But the only booze permitted to the party was alcohol, they wanted no crack heads around. They finally set the date for a chilly Saturday night of April.

When the two of them told the other members about their idea, they had been happy with the idea of having some fun, now that things were slowly getting better. Also, Chan was coming back from China to the attend the party too, maybe even staying in Korea for a while before going back to training.

**On Friday, a day before the party**

That day, Joshua and Hoshi were the only two of their team in college. They went to their class, or maybe _pretended to_ go to their classes before meeting up with the two younger friends. They were both feeling content, since things were turning out pretty stable

After their date, when they were just talking about music over a warm cup of tea, Woozi had even kissed him out of nowhere. Soonyoung couldn’t not have been more than happy. They were not together but they were slowly working things out –  hoping one day Woozi would remember him and that one day he could call him Jihoon again. 

They arrived at the cafeteria, finding the other two already sitting at their table, enjoying their food. They sat down in front of them, but before any of the two could speak, Woozi beat them to it “if you want to ask us to go to a party, then no”

Joshua, Hoshi and even Seokmin opened their mouth agape “W-what? H-how did you even know we wanted to ask that?” Joshua was baffled, mentally reaching out to God for this mistery. He only shrugged his shoulders “I heard your friends talking about it yesterday”

All of 3 closed their mouths then “aah okay, we were about to think you are either a spy or a mind reader” Seokmin said, starting to eat again.

“but… why?” Hoshi whined “it’s just us and a couple more of friends” he explained hoping the smaller would give him a positive answer.

“yeah, plus Seungcheol and Jeonghan are control freak and they wouldn’t let weird people in” Joshua added, before scooting over to his crush “Do you want to come with me?” he winked at Seokmin, who choked both at the wink and at the low tone the other had used.  After regaining his life back , he nodded yes “but.. I’m gonna drag Wooji hyung too”

“What? Who said you can drag me to the party? I don’t like parties, so I’m not going” Woozi rambled, taking a sip of his cola.

“Hyung, look at Hoshi” Seokmin pointed with a finger to said boy.

He was looking at Woozi with sad puppy eye- no sad fudgy hamster eyes and cheeks and in that moment he knew it. He couldn’t say no to him. And that annoyed him a bit. _Why can’t you say no to that hamster?_

“Come with me” Hoshi pleaded with his eyes, tuning his voice to a sad whine one, hoping he could get the other to react to it. Woozi sighed “ok you guys win, I’m coming. But you pick me up, I’m not walking to your friends’ house”.

“of course, why would I let a princess walk?” he said before stealing a kiss from said princess, making Joshua and Seokmin bulge their eyes at the scene. “GUYS”

“Ehm.. we have to go, bye” Woozi stuttered before grabbing his not so yet boyfriend by his arm and dragging him somewhere to beat his ass, or maybe just kiss him senseless.

***

At the party

Loud music and  voices was something Woozi had never liked, well at least for what he can remember, which is not much. It gave him headaches, a pain he didn’t want to feel. He hated them since all the doctors he went to, to cure his weird amnesia. He couldn’t remember anything from his past, and to Mrs. Park, a woman who had found him and took care of him during his worst, he couldn’t be more thankful.

But in that house, with those people and their music and loudness, he felt as that was where he was supposed to be. Especially when a pretty much hot and bothered, not so drunk but not so sober Soonyoung was flushed against his body. He didn’t want to give in so easily to the other boy, but the alcohol in his system told him otherwise.     He was not drunk, he could feel and understand everything around him and especially _on him_. Like those warm hands pressed on his lower back and warm lips on his neck, as they danced to a slow RNB song Seungcheol, the owner of the house had deemed to fit the night. 

“Soonyoung.” he warned when the other had started to nibble on his neck and the grip on his waist had tightened, making it hard for Woozi to think straight. “I’m not going to do anything you don’t like, I’m just showering you with love” being straight ford was something the smaller liked, but he didn’t expect the word “love” being thrown at him.

Soonyoung placed his forehead on the other’s “I want to say don’t push me away, but if it’s too much for you, I’ll take a step back” he said removing his hands from his favorite place. It took only a glance to his eyes, staring at him with a soft yet so passionate gaze. Grabbing him by his cheeks, Woozi placed his lips on his, not giving a damn if the other members were throwing side glances, smirking and enjoying the show.

Soonyoung let out a pleased sigh, his heart beating too fast for his own likings. He was still so deeply, madly, utterly in love with him. Even if the other didn’t remember him, even if the other would never remember him, he would still cherish Jihoon for who he had been in the past, for who he was now and for who he was going to be in the future. He nibbled at his lower lip, as his hands lingered on the other’s backside, feeling surreal as it could get. 

Minutes later, he would never imagine he would get to feel him under his body again, writhing in pleasure, eyes closed due to strong sensations. But they were there, in one of Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s guest room, immersed in each other’s heated gazes, hip trusts and kisses.

Few beads of sweat formed on Soonyoung’s forehead as he bit and nipped at that milky skin he could never forget, gaining strained moans in response. He groaned too, at the mesmerizing sight before his eyes.

“Mine” he mumbled, rolling his hips against the other  _just be mine_ , _don’t leave me, stay._

Woozi could not make out coherent words, too lost in the Soonyoung’s everything and the things he was feelings. He moaned against the other’s shoulder, scratched at his back. W _hy am I feeling like this?_ He couldn’t find  a logical answer to that.

***

In the meanwhile

A drunk Seokmin meant pure loudness. He was swaying to the beat of “ **bounce with me bouuunce** ” , courtesy of Boo Seungkwan, threatening to remove his shirt in front of everyone. If it had been only the members, maybe Joshua wouldn’t have had a problem, but with all the people they had invited it was a _no no._

That’s why he was running after the tall boy with bouncy curled up hair, trying to keep him from throwing his shirt at someone.

“Seokminie, come on. Calm down” he managed to catch him in his arms but what happened next, Joshua didn’t know if it was a good thing or b- nope definitely a good thing. The taller closed his eyes, pressing his lips on Joshua’s. Then he started giggling and making faces “shuaa hyung, come and kiss my ass” he said before sprinting again, this time reaching Seungkwan and pretending to be a dj with him. Joshua was left agape.

From the corner of the kitchen, Seungcheol and Jeonghan were watching their sons going maybe a little be too wild. Soonhoon was nowhere to be seen, Wonwoo and Mingyu were drinking sitting down on the couch. Jeonghan could swear, he had seen them kiss twice or even thrice. What was going on with them? He thought.

“I guess, it’s good Chan said he couldn’t make it for tonight” Seungcheol spoke but as soon as he said that, a bewildered maknae appeared on the dancefloor, diving in to dance to a Micheal Jackson’s song along with Jun and Minghao.

“MY BABY IS HERE” Jeonghan shouted, leaving everything he was doing in that moment, which was nothing. He hurried out of the kitchen and shouted a “DINO YA, WHOSE BABY ARE YOU?”. The poor maknae could only facepalm and say “Jeonghan’s hyung. Now stop it”.

It was so loud, so so loud but the calmness on Vernon’s face spoke for everything. His boyfriend was having fun DJing, even occasionally standing up to reach for his headcuffs. He was there next to him, keeping an eye on his wellbeing as he sipped on a drink.

It was so loud but it was worth it.

***

 

The party had finished without Jeongcheol even realizing. Infact, they couldn’t believe when they found themselves alone in the middle of the living room.  “Cheol.. but where did everyone go?” Jeonghan asked, looking confused “I mean I remember sending away everyone but the rest of the members”

“What the.. is everyone fucking right now?” Seungcheol was in disbelief “in my house?!?!!?!”

“yah, our baby is here, don’t talk like that” the other warned, pointing to a wasted Chan sprawled on the couch. Chan was so going to murder someone soon. “When will you stop calling me your baby?”

“Once you reach your thirties, I’ll stop calling you baby” Jeonghan answered sitting on the couch, launching himself on the poor maknae to cradle him. By now Chan was sure he was going to commit a manslaughter. Of course, he was not going to but he liked to think so.

 “Is my house a brothel now?” Seungcheol asked himself sighing and picking up his wallet “Jeonghan, Chan do you want to go and get some ice cream?”

“Why do you act as if I never had immoral actions with somebody in my life?” Chan suddenly asked. Jeonghan gave him a silent scream before actually shouting a “WITH WHO? I WANT TO KNOW”

“Not telling you and I was just saying” he shrugged him off.

“Ah okay. So do you want ice cream?”

“Yeah, let’s go”

 “Once up one a time I was a leader in running the black market, now I feel like a mere pimp” Seungcheol dramatically face-palmed himself, but he was quickly pulled out from his thoughts by two loud voices screaming at him “Move your ass, we want ice cream”.

 

_So much for being the mafia, eh?_

_***_

 

It was around 4.00 am when Woozi woke up breaking in cold sweat, tears streaming down his face. He glanced at the sleepy form beside him. Soonyoung looked so peaceful. He gripped at his own hair, when his features brought him back to  _memories_ he had dreamed about till a moment before.

 _Those… were they even  my memories?_   Woozi closed his eyes, trying to ease the pain his mind was feeling. Why would he dream about _almost familiar_ moments with Soonyoung, that he didn’t remember to have ever witnessed.

_Why are you in my dreams? Why are we together in my dreams? Why were we fighting? Why were you looking at me with those pleading eyes of yours, asking me not to  leave you, not to forget you?_

A dream so vivid that Woozi had started feeling scared. He could not remember anything from his past. And his dreams felt so real, so familiar, so dejavu-like. Panic was building like a rush.  That’s why he hurriedly dressed himself up, quietly in order to not wake the other. He didn’t have the guts to face him right at the moment. He scurried to the door, which was slightly left ajar. Once he took a step outside, he regretted it already.

He regretted the fact he was leaving Soonyoung alone after sleeping together, but his panicked state of mind told him to run away. He was scared that the past he didn’t remember, had been somewhat linked to the dark haired boy. He had been in coma for a year, the doctor had told him he had almost not managed to live, due to bullets and loss of blood.  He didn’t want to remember who he was before. He needed to get away from him and he did.

 

… and Soonyoung had been awake all the time, the pain in his heart unbearable. He didn’t cry though, he felt as if he didn’t have any tears left. He laid almost lifelessly on a bed that was not even his, thinking why destiny loved to play him like a fool.

***

Woozi hadn’t left his college dorm for 3 days. All he did was eat, sleep, cry, eat and cry some more. He didn’t know what to do with his life, with Soonyoung. _How can I face him again after this?_

Sadness filled him like water would do with a tank, coming at him like waves and ready to make him drown. It turned into anger when the dreams became wilder, almost on verge of macabre. He had nightmares of Soonyoung being shot at, falling on the ground with his eyes wide open and blood tickling from his lips. The fact that he couldn't save him drove him mad, consuming his sanity. He was quickly pulled out from his thoughts when he heard a knock on his door but he didn’t get up to open it.

_What if is it him?_

“Woozi hyung, open up. It’s me. Come on, you’ve been locked inside our dorm for 3 days now. I would like to be with my friend and sleep in my bed” Seokmin shouted from outside loudly, knocking on the door a hundred times. He got up lifelessly and went to open the door “Sorry, I was basking in my own sorrow. I forgot I had changed the password”

Seokmin quickly got inside, closing the door “It’s okay but you look like shit, so it’s not okay” he commented.

“I know” Woozi said, going back to lay on his bed. The taller approached him and sat beside him “Why are you avoiding all of us? What happened?” he began to ask, worry lacing his voice.

“I slept with Soonyoung”

Seokmin deadpanned “Like I don’t know already. You two were quite obvious on the dancefloor”. Woozi hugged his pillow and turned to lie on his left side “I have nightmares”

“Of what?” the other questioned, hand coming to pat the shorter’s left arm. “Of things I may have lived before, but that I don't quite remember"  ”

“What has that to do with you leaving Soonyoung alone after sleeping together, without even saying goodbye?” Seokmin moved on the other’s bed, crossing his legs. “It involves him. Everything is about him, about me and him, about us,” Woozi started to slowly open up “After I woke up from coma, you know, I couldn’t even remember my name. The things I dream about are so horrible. I don’t want to know if they are memories. I don’t want to see him anymore. I want to disappear”.

Seokmin scowled at the last words “They are just dreams, hyung. Even if they had been real in the past, even if Soonyoung had been part of that, is it right for you to leave him like that?”

“Then, is it right for him to bargain in my life without telling me the truth?” he asked, voice pointy. “But that is a supposition, you action was an actual fact” Seokmin argued “I’m not defending him, Woozi. I just don’t think it was right”

“Seokmin.”

“mh?” he humbled a response

“I dream about someone shooting him, straight through his body. I dream about him falling on the ground, as he exhales his last breath. And I can’t save him.” Woozi spoke, voice firm with anger and pain.

“Is that what scares you the most?” Seokmin asks, rubbing soothing circles on the other’s back "Yeah. As if I was separating from him _a second tim_ e _”_

 

***

Two hours after the meaningful conversation with hyung, Seokmin decided to skip his afternoon class to hurriedly meet with Joshua. He was feeling very conflicted, almost guilty. Because his heart was so edgy too see the older boy, but at the same time heavy for what he wanted to talk about with him.

Joshua sat there, on a bench near the fountain of the main dorm’s complex, looking unfazed as the wind played with strands of his hair. Seokmin reached the bench, plopping himself down next to the other. “Joshua hyung” he began, his chin found his place on said boy’s shoulder.

He hummed at the younger calling his name, face turning to meet the other’s eyes “mh?”

“how is Hoshi?” he asked, staring at him

“Closed in his room. Doesn’t want to get out, blaming himself for what happened” straightforwardly, Joshua answered, turning his face away and staring at the water flowing from the fountain in front of him “I don’t understand what happened, why would Woozi run away like that?”

“I spoke with him earlier” Seokmin raised his chin from his shoulder, resting his hand on his own lap “he’s been having nightmares about him and Hoshi”

That’s when something in Joshua’s head clicked, his eyes shot wide but he tried to hide it before the other could notice it. “Nightmares? About what?” he asked, controlling his wavering tone.

Seokmin sighed “he says he dreams about Hoshi getting shot and not being able to save him. That’s what made him panic and angry. I think he is feeling a sort of anger, I don’t know how to explain it”

Joshua could feel the worry laced around the other’s voice so clearly, that he moved closer to Seokmin, an arm securing over his shoulders “that doesn’t justify the face that he left Hoshi alone”

Seokmin shook his head “I’m not trying to justify him, Shua hyung. It’s just.. I’ve never seen his eyes so raw and so scared. I don’t know what to do to help them”

“Don’t leave Woozi alone in his pain, stay by his side as the great friend you are. We’ll find a way to make them talk”

 


	6. Boss?

Another week later. Monday.

That day, Woozi had finally found the courage to attend his classes, his heart half hoping he would get a glance of _him_ but he didn’t. Soonyoung was not there, or so he thought. He arrived to a vacant music composition class earlier than usual, everyone was still at the cafeteria, drowning in food. He opened his notebook, going over and over a song piece he had started writing those countless nights he hadn't been able to sleep.

_People only see the outside_

_And ask if the wind is cold_

_They just ask and pass by_

_Why ask if you’re gonna forget anyway?_

_Feels like wind from you_

_So without a word, I’m just waiting_

_Many things happen_

_So busy without a breath to catch_

_Because of this damn world_

_If I say that’s why we grew apart_

_Feels like I’m making it up so I have no faults_

_So I can’t say that_

_I’m just facing the wind_

_In the future_

_So that I won’t be sorry_

_I want to be always_ _waiting_

_That makes me feel better_

_Even if you get lost_

_And it takes you a while to_

_Come around and round back to me_

_Even it’s far ahead in the future_

 

A single tear drops on the paper, as he rubs his eyes and keeps writing the last part. _Where are you, Woozi? Where is the real you? Where.the.fuck.are.you??_

 

_Feels like time has hidden_

_And took you too_

_Can’t I see you?_

_Sometimes, I get bad thoughts_

_I start to forget you_

_But don’t cry_

_It may seem sad_

_But I’m here_

_For you_

_Even if you get lost and it takes a while_

_Come round and round back to me_

_Even it’s far ahead in the future_

 

As he wrote the last word, his head started hurting again, his vision getting cloudy for a minute before everything calmed down. His heart, his mind were beating at a normal pace again, a weird sense of dejavu spreading through him. He looked around trying to find familiarity in that big classroom and his heart believed he had found it when his eyes landed on a figure, sitting at the edge of the professor’s desk.

His mind told him to advert his gaze when that body moved his way towards himself, and he did. “Woozi” Soonyoung, softly called out for him once he reached the small desk.

“What do you want from me, Soonyoung?” Woozi asked, finally looking at the other, eyes desperate to find peace again. “I want to talk, about that night at Seungcheol’s party” he stood there, every corner of his face serious.

“There is nothing to talk about that” he answered, sounding more bothered then he intended to.

Soonyoung stared at the smaller for a few seconds, trying to get a glimps of the other’s confusing emotions sprawled on his face “Woozi, _we_ made love. How there is nothing to talk about that?”

 “We were drunk, don’t think about it” _Save me, please_

“Woozi..” the serious expression on Soonyoung’s face was starting to crumble down, as his heart hurt painfully. “Stay away from me, don’t look at me like that”

“Why? Give me a reasonable reason and I’ll leave. I’ll stay away from you if that’s what you really want” he was starting to lose his patience, all the emotions and pain built up in the past two years.

“Because you make me want to do it all over again, and I don’t- no I can’t give in” Woozi turned his face away, as he sighed in his own hands covering his face.

“That doesn’t really encourages me to stay away though”  Soonyoung said, hand going to rest on the other’s soft red locks. He threaded his fingers through the crimson strands, closing his eyes for a moment as if he was trying to keep his flooding feelings under control. “Please, come back to me” an almost inaudible whisper, he thought that the other wouldn't be able to hear.

“Why should I?” Woozi gripped his hand, removing it from his hair, keeping it in place “Why should I, Soonyoung? why?”

“Cause I know you want to. Do what your heart tells to, don’t run away from me if you don’t want to. Even if you are scared, I’m here” He answered, squatting down to reach the other’s level. He took his hands in his, intertwining their fingers, locking them in. “We don’t need to rush, but don’t distance yourself from me” his head dropping on the other’s hands. _Not again, Jihoonie._

Unconsciously, Woozi hand pulled out from his hold in order to set itself on the other’s head, petting the black hair. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say in that moment.  Soonyoung sighed at that soft, simple and lingering touch.. A touch with a meaning much deeper than any words.

Woozi stood up, reaching to collect his belongings. Then he held an hand out to him, pulling- the lost in his thoughts boy- up “let’s go away from here, I’m not in the mood for class”

***

“Y-you should g-go to your dorm” the red haired managed to say between deep kisses and breathy gasps. “Should I?” Soonyoung asked, hands caressing at his sides. Lips finding their way on his neck, jawline and cheeks. Pausing his mouth on the soft, blotchy skin – he whispered “Do you want me to go home?”

Woozi didn’t know what to do. He had either the option to kick him out or bring him down on his bed, kissing him to oblivion. He looked up to his eyes, which were slowly drawing him in - and he felt like drowning in a safe place. That’s why he just decided to let himself fall “No, stay here. With me” he breathed out, hands sliding up the other’s bicep to his hair “don’t go”

He bit at his lips, mind not believing fully what his heart was shouting out – before he dove in, crashing his mouth on the other.

_“I won’t go, I won’t never. Until you straight up tell me you don’t need me anymore, till then I’ll be with you”_

_***_

In his life, Seokmin had watched a lot of movies, action or spies movies to be exact. He had even had Tom Cruise’s posters up in his room for a while, but finding your boyfriend hunched over a series of weird gadget – which he thought he had only seen in cinematography – was something else.

“What are you doing?” he asked, trying to take a peak - eyes darting to focus on the tools in his boyfriend’s hands. The question was so sudden. Joshua hadn't realized he had been there, while he was working on a damn watch with X rays.

“N-nothing, I’m just playing with this thing I found in a pack of chips” he muttered, trying to hide any clue “Shouldn't you be in your class at this hour?” Seokmin sat down beside him, eyes serious “what are you not telling me?”

The brown haired shook his head at the question “Nothing, I’m not hiding anything”

“I didn’t say hiding, I said not telling. So you are hiding something from me, uhm?” rhetorically he spoke, bringing his body forward to tower over the other’s.  “Why are you keeping spy gadgets in your pants?”

“S-spy gadgets? What are you talking about?” Joshua tried to pull a confused, clueless look to his boyfriend’s statements.

“When.. why do you have a X rays watch under your butt?” he inquired, hand coming down on his tights “Shua hyung, do you like me right?” Said man could only nod, showing his true colours slowly “Yeah, but If I tell you I’ll have to kill you”

“Kill me?” Seokmin was in disbelief. What kind of stupid prank was this? “Shua hyung. Just tell me already, come on”

“I don’t think this is the right place to talk about it” Joshua explained, getting up and collecting his tools.

“Let’s go to my dorm then, Woozi hyung has classes, so he is not there”.

The journey to Seokmin’s dorm was awfully quiet, and Joshua –  who had seen them all- couldn't not but feel anxious. They got to it and sat on the younger’s bed.

“So.. you’d better speak now”

“I’m a priest” Joshua began, suddenly getting a _what the fuck are you talking about_ look from Seokmin, followed by a weird, anxious, pitchy laugh “Are you kidding or what?”

“I work undercover as priest in LA sometimes”

“Undercover? What are you? A spy?” he asked, not believing any word the other was saying. “Worse than that” Joshua sighed, getting up to remove his shirt. As he unbuttoned the first two buttons, Seokmin’s eyes bulged “wowoh calm down, what are you doing?”

“Showing you what I am, isn’t that what you wanted?” he asked, hands coming at his own sides. He got a nod in response, as he resumed removing his shirt. Joshua threw it on the bed next to him, turning to give him a view of his back.

Seokmin gasped at the sight. Pale skin covered with black ink and faded scars. It almost looked like a work of art, except for those scars that looked painful. A painful mark etched on the skin, a reminder of what you are and what people, things did to you.

“W-what’s that tattoo and s-scars?” he managed to ask, an hand reaching out to touch the skin on his shoulder

“I’m part of an organization named _CHIL SUNG PA_  and those are scars I have gained during the years working as a professional..” he paused, turning back to face him and grab that lingering hand “Seokmin-ah, if I told you all the bad things I’ve done, would you run away from me?”

“Did you kill people?” Seokmin asked, hand in the other’s “Didn’t you?”

Joshua nodded “I did because that’s part of my job if the situation asks for”

Seokmin closed his eyes  in fear, rubbing his forehead with his free hand “W-will you kill me now that I know what you are?” he tried to remove his hand but Joshua didn’t let him, instead he knelt before him, gripping both of his hands in his. “I’m not going to hurt you, I only work against other gang members or corrupted politicians. I never went near _innocent_ people, that’s not how we works”

Seokmin’s eyes lingered on the intertwined hands before looking straight at him “What are you doing here in college then? Do you need to.. remove someone from here?”

Joshua’s lips corner raised up in a small laugh at the word _remove_ “No, I’m here to keep an eye on someone”

By now Seokmin’s brain was fuming, he didn’t understand but suddenly he did. Everything clicked. “Y-you.. S-soonyoung too. W-Woozi hyung. That’s why you followed us for days and kept stealing glances at him. Why?”

“Do you know that Woozi doesn’t remember who he is and that he has amnesia?” Joshua asked, expecting a negative response but it was positive. Seokmin nodded “yeah, my mom took care of him for a period”

“W-WHAT?” This time, Joshua was so shocked it could be an understatement “Your mom?? Park Kyung Mi is your mom????”

“H-how do you know my mom’s real name?” his stomach churned in fear. He tried to pull his hands out, his mind telling him to get up and ran away from his own dorm. “Where are you going?” Joshua asked, his profession starting to kick in as he caught the taller by his waist, throwing him on the bed. He towered over Seokmin, hands reaching to his wrist to keep in place. Fear washed over said boy’s face “L-let me go.”

“Why?”

“You are going to kill me too, like they killed my dad” he broke out in silent tears,  streaming down his face copiously.

Something in Joshua’s heart broke at the sight before his eyes. He didn’t want to see those crystal-like tears on the other’s cheeks, not because of pain. He pecked his forehead and then his lips, before he let go of his wrist, left hand coming to caress one of his cheeks. “I’m not going to kill you, and I don’t know who killed your dad. I didn’t know you before all of this, that means I was never associated to you or to what happened to your dad”

Choking on sobs, Seokmin managed to whisper “T-then.. Why? Why are you with me? Why do you know my mom’s r-eal name?”

Ghosting his lips on one of his cheeks, he poured the truth out “Jihoon – who you know as Woozi – was, and technically still part of our group”

“He is one of yours too?”

He nodded against his cheek “ His father was Soonyoung’s father best friend and _partner in crime_. Jihoon is our vice and..” he trailed off, he didn’t know if it was alright to reveal or not.

“and..?”

“if I tell you, please I know he has all the rights to know but we can’t tell him now” he explained, raising his head to look at Seokmin properly “Okay?”

“What can’t I tell him?”

“That Soonyoung is his husband” Joshua revealed, gaining a shocked face as a response which was suddenly followed by a loud giggle “Wow.. did Woozi hyung fall in love with him for the second time without even knowing anything, that’s funny”

_“oh well, I guess hearts will always bring you home”_

_***_

3 days later, Jihoon starts feeling _weird_

For the _first time,_ Soonyoung had brought him home. The dark haired boy had asked his members for help the day before. The attic had been in real need of deep cleaning since he hadn’t bothered to tidy it for a while. He didn’t want to leave a bad impression on the red haired, plus he had to hide all of their photos to a secret room, you know just in case. He didn’t want to scare him with a past he hardly remembered.

That’s why, they were now laying on his bed, soft sheets covering their naked – and entangled in each other – bodies. For the _first time_ in a while – not as if he remembered anything whatsoever, apart from random dejavu – Woozi felt being swallowed whole, but not from nasty or harsh feelings. He felt himself swallowed by a warmth he couldn't recall ever feeling. It was _weird,_ as if that’s what he was meant to do, as if that was where he was meant to be.

Before meeting Soonyoung, if someone would have told him he would became so sappy and helplessly _interested_ in someone, he would have laughed till his stomach gave up.

However it was not as bad as he thought love would be. The only things he could not understand –and scared the shit out of him – was how dependent from the other he had become. It was more like a co-existent co-dependency, rather than having only himself relying on Soonyoung.

Woozi could feel it, he could feel it in the lingering touch of the other, in the way he nipped at his skin at night – or any other part of the day, in the way his eyes would stare at him as if he was the only thing worth to look at. He could not deny the strange force pulling him in, telling him that it was alright to fall in Soonyoung’s arms because the other wouldn’t let him touch the ground. He could feel their save heaven, a place where he could enjoy the softness, the delicacy and the passion of a lover.

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve known you from long time. It’s weird” he says, resting his cheek on the other’s chest as he watched it raising up and down, breathing softly. “Who knows, maybe we were lovers in our past lives” Soonyoung breaths out, voice quiet as if he wanted to test something out.

“That’s sappy” Woozi pulls a face, punching him. Lightly of course

.Soonyoung groans in pain, an hand rubbing at his chest to ease the pain “that hurted”. The smaller panics, he didn't mean to use that much force on the other “Did it hurt that much?”

“Nah” he says, before trapping him under his body. Immediately, he attached his lips on the other’s neck, littering it with hickeys and bites. An hand going down to knead his butt, gaining a yelp in response, at the sudden touch.

“Soonyoung.” Woozi warned “You are getting too touchy recently”

And you know what said boy did a response? “I know you love it still” he smirks, slapping – not too hard - his bum. But he knew it, in that moment he knew it he had fucked up when a sinister smile spread on Jihoon’s face. “You’d better sleep with an open eye tonight, I might chop your dick off”

***

At Joshua’s. 

People, Seokmin in this case, usually think a boss would be kind of well rounded, scary eyes, buff body and sneaky remarks. But, not Soonyoung. Sure his eyes were scary enough, but he largely reminded him of an hamster. And hamsters were cute.

Also he didn’t know him that much, but the other, frankly, looked like one of these young boys that can be very whiny when they want something and loud. Freaky loud. Like himself.

However, after had heard the whole story by Joshua a while later after the “first version”, he had a different perception of the _boss._ _Soonyoung must love Jihoonie a lot_ he had thought while listening to his boyfriend’s sad speaking voice. And that was not so untrue.

“So, you are telling me you told him that we are a freaking mafia group – while we are working undercover?” Soonyoung scowls, caught by surprise by the two men before his eyes.

“W-wait YOU ARE A MAFIA GROUP?” Seokmin asked, pitch rising up – out of nerves.

Mentally face-palming himself, Joshua spoke “Seokmin-ah, you can just say you know. Nothing will happen. Soonyoung is like a big baby without a spoon”

“Why do I feel like the spoon is Jihoon?” said guy asked back, gaining a weird look by said man and a smirk by his boyfriend. “Just help me out with Jihoon and you’ll live to your sixties”

“Why not up to 90?”

“Do you wanna die right now?” boss said, eyes narrowing to the point of no return.

“No but don’t narrow your eyes like this. They will get wrinkly” Seokmin pointed out, leaving the other two with their mouths agape.  “What are you looking at? Let’s decide how we are going to help Jihoon hyung remember”  he says after seeing them looking like open mouthed fishes.


	7. Between reality and utopia

**Hint #1 Boxing match “I think I like you”**

Why would Soonyoung bring him to a boxing gym? A vacant, almost isolated gym on top of that. Woozi was about to hit him in the balls again, but he stopped himself when he was picked up over a shoulder and brought on the ring. “ SOONYOUNG- YA WHAT- “ he shouted when his feet touched the ground but ceased when the other’s lips met his.

“Just thought it would be nice to release some pent-up stress”.

“So.. Can I just punch you for free?” Woozi giggled, eyes looking for boxing gloves and hands itching to hit the poor _loving boy_. Soonyoung deadpanned “Why do you look like you are going to beat me to a pulp?”

“Because that’s what is going to happen” he snickered back, wearing the gloves and lightly punching him to the stomach – gaining a pained groan as response. “Wait.. are you okay? I only touched your stom-“

Suddenly, he was cut short by a pair of hands reaching out for him and tackling him down on the ring. “Are you sure you are going to beat me to a pulp, shorty?” Soonyoung smirked, lips slightly gazing his cheek. He was about to give him a peck when Jihoon scowled so hard at the nickname, he thought his face could fall anytime. _Shorty_ tackled him down on the ground, getting on top of him to prevent him from moving. “Who are you calling shorty, Soonie?”

It was like in movies, when you lock eyes with a person you forgot and out of blue you start remembering him or her as part of your past. _Soonie._ It was brief, very brief but an image, a memory of maybe a younger _Soonie_   – with  blotchy skin,  crying over what looked like a coffin.

“Woozi?” the boy called out from underneath, trying to get the other’s attention. At the mention of his name, his eyes snapped back to reality – going back to focus on him. He felt an urge, the urge of telling him he liked him, perhaps even more than that. The urge of reassuring and get reassured that both of them felt the same.

“I think I like you” he blurted out, not believing he was actually capable of confessing outloud his feelings. “Really? Am I that handsome?” Soonyoung joked, pretending to be cool about but actually dying inside.

 _A smack on the head._ “I tell you that I like you and you pull that shit out”

He groaned in pain, in real pain because it hurt. “Sorry” he mouthed “So am I not handsome?”

Woozi rolled his eyes “God, yes you are but I don’t like you only for that”

“Then why?”

“Because you look at me that way”

“Which way?”

“the one that makes me feel like I’m the only person allowed here” Jihoon said, removing one of the boxing glove to rest his hand against the other’s left chest – above his heart.

***

 

**Hint #2  Don’t listen in secret**

Something simple like laying on the bed had never been so entrancing. Being a natural bed person, Jihoon enjoyed staying in, listening to some music and relaxing the most. But with Soonyoung it was more than that. More like a lullaby, cuddling you to unrealistic places, _glass-like cities and clear skies._

“Do you want to hear my version of a song I choose to sing?” Soonyoung asks, fingers going up to climb through the smaller’s red hair – who nudged his cheek against his palm. Taking it as an unspoken  _yes_ , he picked his phone and searched for said to song to play. He set the volume to a little above the middle, keeping the device in his hand.

**_You can listen to sad songs,_ **

**_And shed tears_ **

**_Music is like that_ **

**_You must listen to this song_ **

**_Don’t listen and pretend you haven’t_ **

**_If you hear my heart_ **

**_Can’t you come back to me?_ **

**_I’m still, I’m still_ **

**_Waiting for you, I’m not even tired_ **

**_Although I’m getting scared_ **

**_Still, I’m believing in time_ **

**_Because everyone says it’s medicine_ **

**_Even if I’m a fool, when I close my eyes_ **

**_Nothing changes_ **

**_Don’t listen in secret_ **

**_Even if this song becomes inaudible_ **

**_This song I made for you_ **

**_Don’t listen in secret_ **

****

A soft, slightly high in tone voice sung. The sound of the song nostalgic and pained, still hopeful that someone would stop listening to it in secret, voicing out their return. Jihoon wondered why Soonyoung would suggest him to listen to a song like this. _Are you hinting at something hidden inside you , Soonie?_

It was not like a movie when it happened for the second time. It was more like when you decide to listen to a song you haven’t listen to in years, and a memory attached to it comes up from the deep waters of your unconscious, crippling and wavering behind your eyes. It was also always about Soonyoung, or himself and the other when those images came up in his mind. This time they were sitting in front of piano, him showing the other a song – he guessed – by playing it. They looked older, more mature, comfortable with each other, as well as absorbed in each other’s music.

Like the other time, Jihoon decided to not tell Soonyoung about the things he was seeing. Too scared to stop listening in secret.

***

**Hint #3 Snowflakes are feathery light, soluble diamonds.**

At an ungodly hour during the night

“Do you think it was a good idea to be out at this hour? I’m freezing my ass” Woozi complained, keeping his hands inside his jacket. “Why do I even bother with following you?” he asked then, pursuing his lips in a tiny pout.

Soonyoung almost melted, but then he recalled he was being complained at “Don’t you want to do bad things at night?” he said, eyes twinkling with mischief. He almost got punched. Almost. Instead, Woozi only glared at him “Wow. You sure are lucky I love you, I almost punched you hard in those small eyes of yours.”

But the mischief didn’t stop there “ohooo what did you say? I’m lucky, you love me? Is this a love confession, babe?” he teased, approaching the other and literally putting his face in his.

Woozi’s nerves almost cackled at the teasing but he managed to calm his heart down, closing his eyes. What was he supposed to hide anymore? He could hide his weird memories, but not his feelings. “It’s not a love confession, they are just my feelings”

With eyes still closed shut, he felt a soft breath against his ear and a fondling - with he didn’t know what  –  around his neck. An hand cupped his left cheek, slowly cradling it against said palm. A hand, almost fearing of letting go, like it was supposed to be there and never get away.

Soonyoung’s eyes would always go soft at that sight before him. Rosy cheeks from the slight breeze of a chilly night, soft breath and relaxed expressions. “I love you too, don’t forget it”  he said, a single tear rolled down his cheek, which was wiped away almost instantly.

Woozi didn’t open his eyes, tears suddenly streaming down his face as a moment – he  didn’t even know he had lived – bloomed inside of him. That hot-spring, those warm kisses and warm embraces. Those words. He couldn’t open his eyes, too worried the mixed feelings he felt would be given away before he could figure them out.

“Why are you crying?” Soonyoung questioned, sounding alarmed since he didn’t expect the other would break down like this – fingertips moving to wipe his tears. _What’s going on?_

“I-I don’t know, maybe I’m just overwhelmed” Woozi answered softly, before he was enveloped in a bear-like hug. He felt around his neck, finding a necklace. Automatically, his fingers went down to play with the round beam attached to it.

He distanced himself from the other to take a look. Looking like a snowflake, a crystal embedded jewel shone bright between his fingers. He narrowed his eyes when he thought it looked oddly familiar. That’s when memories –  he would wish to never found out – came back. That’s when his vision bloomed red, wide eyes going up to stare at the other. Never he thought he would pass out due to the process of remembering.

Soonyoung’s heart broke down in small pieces three times. One during his first rejection, the second when he had cradled a lifelessly, covered in blood Jihoon, in his arms. The third this time. He scooped him up in his arms, going back to his car – mentally thanking god he hadn’t parked too far. After securing him up with the belt, he sped off to his own house. Activating his ear- in call, he called Jeonghan, who picked up at the second try.

“Jeonghan hyung, I think there is something wrong with Jihoon. He fainted, I don’t know what to do!” He wanted to cry but he couldn’t.

 _ **“** I’ll come over with my dad, where are you now?”_ 

“I’m taking him home, please come quickly” he pleaded, ending the call.

He stole a glance at the sleeping form beside him, gripping at the steering wheel when he noticed the pale hue on the other. _I won’t let anything happen to you, not anymore_

***

“His vitals are okay. I’ll bring the blood samples to the lab to see if we can find out something more but he is not in a bad condition. He needs rest. If what Jeonghan has told me about him is true, then something may had overwhelmed him to the point of collapsing” Mr.Yoon explained, coaxing a worried Soonyoung.

“What should I do? We were trying to hint things from the past, so that he could slowly remember but I only caused him more pain” he sat down, covering his face with his palms – regretting partially what he had done.

An hand patted his shoulder “Your father wouldn’t like to see you like this, just like he wouldn’t like to see Jihoon like that. Don’t regret things you’ve done genuinely to help him. Just don’t try too hard, soon or later he will remember. Don’t put him on a strain, I bet he would love you the same, memories or not”

Soonyoung nodded, biting his lips due to nerves. “I’ll do like you say, please let me know if you find out something from the blood analysis” he said before thanking him and escorting him outside.

Jeonghan who had been there all the time, saw the exchange between his dad and his friend. Aside from all the problems he had with him, he couldn’t be more thankful to his dad and agreeing with him. That’s why after Mr.Yoon left, he approached Soonyoung – hand going to pat on his shoulder. “It kills my pride to say this, but I think my dad is right. Jihoon will love you otherwise, whether he remembers anything, because it’s you we are talking about”

“He told me before he fainted”

“What did he tell you?” Jeonghan asked, voice quiet, almost soothing.

“that he loves me”

***

The next day

Indulging in the other’s warmth was something Wonwoo reminded himself not to fall for anymore. But he knew they were only sweet lies. Here he was, cradled against a soft yet built, warm chest after another night of giving himself to the one he shouldn’t anymore, but he couldn’t bury his feelings anymore. Not even after years.

“I can literally smell your brain burning from thinking too much” Mingyu whispered, lips grazing his cheek. “What are you thinking about?”

“You” Wonwoo blurted out, not double thinking, gaining a small smirk as response from the other “You can stop thinking about me, I’m here with you” he left a small kiss on the corner of his lips, before he confessed “I’ve been waiting years to be with you again like this, I won’t let go, hyung” he tightened the grip around the other’s waist, sucking a _lovely_ bruise on his shoulder.

A lovely indeed moment was interrupted by a message appearing on the computer, placed on the desk on the side of the room. Wonwoo distanced himself from the other, giving him an apologetic look “I need to check it”

Mingyu shook his head, gripping his hand and intertwining their fingers. Like they belonged to. “We’ll check it , we are in this together” he said before letting go and standing up, the cover falling off his body,

“Well, at least put something on, stop showing off” Wonwoo spat, taking a pillow and throwing it at the other. He wore a pair of boxer left on the chair and sat down. Wonwoo followed right after, wearing also an oversized t-shirt. He sat down in front of his pc, reaching for the mouse. He opened the message, which had appeared earlier. “it’s from Park Kyung Mi”

“What does it says?”  Mingyu asks, trying to take a peek

“That motherfucker came back yesterday and he is already working to get to us again” Wonwoo spat, opening immediately his black folder. “I’ll reach out to Pentagon first for security means, can you please notify Seungcheol hyung?”

“Yes, kitty” Mingyu answered, getting up and kissing him loudly on the cheek “Before you say anything along the line of don’t kid around during times like this, I’m not kidding around. I’m just loving who’s mine, even during the worst. Like I’m supposed to”

His eyes shot open “I have never seen you so serious”

“Guess, I’m all grown up” the taller truthfully spoke, hand carding through the shorter boy’s hair – a soft smile over his feature, followed soon by a knowing smirk “Let’s work hard this time too” 

***

Jeonghan, Seungcheol, Vernon and Seungkwan were exercising together, helping the latter further his recovery – when Mingyu notified them about the latest news. Mixed feelings, anger, fury, revenge arose inside their hearts, as well as worry, pain and sad memories of the past.

  _Kwon Jiyong is back_ he had said before emailing them the blueprints of a new mission, a little while later. Blueprints on which he had worked together with Wonwoo as soon as they could.

Calling it a day, they decided to head towards Soonyoung’s place in order to discuss about the situation with him. Seungcheol called him to give a notice of their arrival, which was followed by “yeah, come here. Jihoon is still asleep. We’ll talk about it in the secret room” **.**

They got in his apartment as soon as they arrived, not wanting to waste any time. “Wonwoo emailed me the blueprints, let’s discuss it inside” Soonyoung said, leading the way to a secret panel control room, he had had specifically built inside his new attic.

“ I’ve checked them while Seungcheol-hyung was driving, there is something that really bothers me and can’t put my tongue on it” Seungkwan spoke, as he sits down on a chair. Since he had got miraculously better, he only needed a crutch when his leg started hurting, but he was okay now.

“What bothers you?” Seungcheol asked, sitting down as well followed by the rest – while for convenience Soonyoung started printing the blue-printings.

“Park Kyung Mi” he answers truthfully “We can’t involve her in this”

Seungcheol and Jeonghan shot him a look along the lines of _why, she is clearly with us and we need more help as possible_.

“I guess I forgot to tell you guys” Soonyoung deadpanned “That woman is Seokmin’s mother and if we involve her, Seokmin will be involved as well and we’ll probably get killed by Joshua-hyung”

Seungcheol snickered “Then we won’t involve her. But you could at least notice us about important things, boss”

“Anyways” Jeonghan started “We either kill him at night or we wait for him to come up at us. Let him do what he wants but following his moves, like a trap”

“it doesn’t sound that bad to kill him at night though” Soonyoung almost bared his teeth at the thought. “Shot him mercilessly like his man did to Jihoon”

“Soonyoung” Seungcheol looked deadly by now “We are not sending anyone out there to do something that dangerous, he is probably surrounded by a tight security for the time being due to what we did to his organization”

“Then, we wait for him to come at us?” Vernon asked “mouse and cat game, this time?”

“Except for, we are the cat” Jeonghan smirked “let’s trust Wonwoo on this one, he is working with Pentagon already”

Soonyoung sat down, hands cradling through his hair out of frustration “I can’t let anything happen to Jihoon or any of you anymore. He doesn’t even remember I’m his husband,  and I’m okay with it as long as he is by my side and loves me but- “

“W-what do y-you mean by husband?” a tired, husky voice – due to sleep – spoke, startling everyone inside the room. “Didn’t you lock the room?” Seungcheol whispered to Seungkwan, elbowing him. “I thought you did” he facepalmed.

“Why isn’t anyone answering my questions and why are you freaking sitting around the table with a –“ Woozi stopped to take a look at the printing on the table “looks like secret mission blueprinting”

“Woozi, I can explain” Soonyoung got up, approaching him but he is stopped by said boy hand “Who is Jihoon? Then what that Aron guy said about you being married was not his crazy mind!” he asked and stated, eyes still sleepy and voice hurt by the other “answer me”

“We’ll leave you two to talk about it, we’ll discuss about the mission later. Soonyoung, remember what my dad said, don’t put him on strain” Jeonghan warned, getting up and literally scooping the other three out of that room.

Woozi tapped his foot on the ground, still waiting for an answer and hand itching to punch  him square in his face.

“I’ll explain but you need to trust me on this, I’ll show you proofs if you won’t believe but I’m scared of hurting you”

“What do you mean by hurting me?” Woozi sat down with crossed arms “explain”

“You suffer from amnesia, don’t you?” Soonyoung tried, standing awkwardly in front of the other, who stared at him with incredulity “How do you know that?”

“Because I’m part of the past you don’t remember. I don’t want to tell you everything because I’m scared I will trigger memories and hurt you in the process. Mr.Yoon said to not put you on strain” he answered truthfully, approaching the other to hold his hand.

“I’m not holding you hand until I know who is this Jihoon and why are you married to him” he hushed him away “And what do you mean by my past? And who is this Mr.Yoon”

Soonyoung suppressed the pain of being rejected and continued explaining, avoiding parts which may trigger him bad “Mr.Yoon is one of my friend's dad and a doctor, he visited you yesterday and told me to take care of you since you fainted two nights ago”. Woozi motioned at him to keep going.

“It is true that I’m married” he added, watching the way pain and something he can't quite define fill the smaller boy’s eyes, who closed them for a moment as he looked away.

“Why are y- “ Woozi almost choked you “You are the worst-“  Soonyoung didn't let him finish “I’m married to you”

Woozi did choke up again this time, due to surprise. He watched the taller with wide eyes and tears-stained face, tears he didn’t even realize he had started to shed.  “w- what are you talking about??”

“You are Jihoon” Soonyoung tried again, approaching the other, placing his palm on his head, brushing his fingers through the soft hair. Thankfully to his heart, he didn't jerk away from his touch.

In that moment, Woozi or better, Jihoon started laughing out of nowhere. “S-so hahahaha We hahaha are married” he managed to say, pointing to himself and then at the taller man.

Soonyoung was speechless, he had expected punches or kicks or murderous look, not laughter. He didn’t know if it was a good sign or what. “Yeah, do you want me to show you a proof of it?” he asked, gaining a nod as answer as the crazy laugh had died down. He opened a safe-deposit box, taking a photo album out – before handing it to his husband.

The smaller runned his fingers on the leather cover, caressing the places where their names were engraved. It read _Kwon Soonyoung and Lee Jihoon, hall of memories._

 _Ironical suited_ , he thinks “Why do you hold this so secured?” he opened it, photos he didn’t recall taking – appearing on the papers.

“Because I wanted to treasure it, we haven’t met in two years, Jihoon”

“Why didn’t we?” Jihoon asked absently while he carded his fingers between photos and papers, not believing what he was seeing, but he was. All the photos caught his eyes, one where Soonyoung was asleep on his shoulder, looking peaceful, one where they held hands showing their couple rings, another one where Jihoon himself was laying on the other’s thighs while he was taking a picture.

“ I can’t tell you, it’s not pretty” Soonyoung answerd, playing with the other hair as he stared at the photos too, watching his reaction at each paper.

“ Are you scared I might leave?”

“I’m scared of a lot of things although my position would say otherwise” he revealed, ironically not afraid of exposing his weakness to Jihoon, he was his husband and the love of his life, after all.

“What would your position say?” Jihoon adverted his eyes from the pages, turning to meet the other's eyes. “mh?”

“To kill whoever dares to lay a finger on you, hurt you or do anything to you”. Jihoon’s breath itched at the answer, staring at him with wide eyes. He wasn’t expecting such answer. “That is wrong, Soonyoung”

"Not in my world, not in our world”

“You won’t kill anyone for me, Soonyoung. You won’t do that, I won’t let you cover your hands in blood for me” Jihoon warned, gripping the other hand in his. Soonyoung softly smiles at that “If you are worried whether I would get corrupted by murders, I’m not a normal person, Jihoon and neither you are”

“What do you mean?” for the first time in his life – at least for what he could remember which were only the dreams and the memories he had remembered – Jihoon felt scared to meet someone's eyes, to meet a truth he didn’t know if he wanted to be faced with.

“I can’t tell y-“ Jihoon interrupted him, taking his cheeks in his hands – feeling the urge of kissing him right there and then. And he did. “You will tell me or I’ll go away. I don’t like people hiding things from me”

Soonyoung sighed but he didn't have the time to give him a proper answer as a group of loud friends and collegues entered the room again.“We are sorry to bother anything that’s happening right now, but we are a mafia group and we have to work on a project before we get our ass kicked from an enemy” Jeonghan sassed, head poking through the door.

“ YOU ARE A MAFIA GROUP?” Jihoon shouted, suddenly feeling all dizzy from his own loud voice but the other was there to catch him with his arms “don’t shout, calm down”.

“Will he be more startled to know that he is the vice of this mafia group?” Seungkwan asked outside the room, loud enough to be heard since the door was open, while the Jeonghan scolded him.

“eh? Am I too?? What are you saying?” Jihoon standed up abruptly as a pain shots through his body, up to his head. He almost fainted again but the warmth of Soonyoung’s body pressing to his when he hugs him out of worry, calmed him down.

“Enough, we’ll go to sleep right know and I don’t care if you put your feisty character against mine. You will do what I say since you are not feeling well” Seoonyoung warned, picking him up and bringing him to his – theirs – bedroom.

***

Days were passing quickly, it was almost June. A lot of things had happened in the meanwhile. Three months of weird events and weird memories running across  Jihoon’s mind, as Seokmin, walking beside him, chatted about his deck of yugioh cards. Both of their boyfriends were busy with studying the blueprints and waiting for Jiyong to attack them or something. So, because they still had classes to attend and a college life to follow, both of them were walking back to their shared dorm.  

It was around 10 pm when it happened. Who would have thought that using a secret passage to get to the apartment complex, was going to screw them over? A group of shady men had been following for at least twenty minutes, waiting for the perfect opportunity to abduct them. Just when they turned left from the main road to the secret passage, those men  _attacked._ Jihoon had managed to even punch one of the guy in the balls, but a chloroform-soaked handkerchief covered his and Seokmin’s mouth, until they both passed out.

 

He woke a couple of hours later, the silence engulfing him in the darkness of the room and  _Soonyoung on his mind._  How was he gonna tell him? What would the other think about him failing to protect his ownself and younger friend? Would he ever see him again? Would he save him?

He couldn’t move that much, due to hands and legs’ restraints, but he tried to turn around and look for Seokmin, who was still asleep. He nudged him with a foot, trying to wake him up but the younger didn’t budge. _Seokmin-ah._ Jihoon let his head fall on his knees as he prayed. 

If they were going to take a life away, he hoped he would be the only one. But something in his heart told him not to die, told him to wait for the one who had saved him from his own nothingness. He had to return to him, metaphorically and not. 

 

***

Kwon Jiyong watched for any movements through his cameras. His eyes lightened up when he saw one of the abductees waking up. He wondered about killing them right away, but what fun would he get from eliminating them so quickly? When he could actually drive them crazy, torture them before their little boyfriends and company came to save them, 

He ordered one of his man to enter the dark room and pick up the tallest of the two, wanting to test the other. _Let’s see how little Jihoonie will react after seeing his friend being dragged away._ He saw the fear his face when his man picked Seokmin from the ground, dragging him away to god knows where. Jiyong snickered, finding that fear so fun and entertaining to watch.

However all fun stuff come to end at a some point. A woman, in her forties’,  was examining the scenes unfolding before her eyes. She knew her son was being dragged away to be beaten up badly, and soon it was going to happen to the other boy she came to love as son too.

She cursed and tightened  her jaw, putting her emotions under control as she deceived who he was supposed to be her boss, yet again. _Not them too, Kwon Jiyong. Not them._  She connected her phone to Chil yong pa, giving them tips – hoping their boss, ironically another Kwon, wouldn’t be driven mad by his emotions and instinct before saving them.

***

When the news reached Soonyoung, he panicked and blamed himself for the umpteenth time. He paced unstill back and fort, as Dino – who had just arrived from another training period  along side Jun and Minghao – tried to keep him calm.

“Hyung, we will go and save them, okay?” he tried to reassure the older man, followed suit by a pissed off  Seungcheol, ready to fill up his guns. The rest of the members were quietly preparing the equipment, after receiving other coordinates by Mrs.Park.

“I can’t keep calm. Oh god I can’t believe this” Soonyoung looked on the verge of going crazy when he quieted down suddenly. His pointy eyes flicked with an intensity the other members had never seen. “That’s it. I’m going to freaking kill him this time. I don’t care if I die in the process” he said, taking some of the arms on the table for himself. He charged one and out of anger, he shot a forgotten cola can on the table, kicking it off.

Seungkwan stopped in his track, approaching the older and patted his shoulder “Hyung, no one from our side is going to die, we have to  and we are going to survive. Keep it in mind”,

“No one from our side is going to die because I’m going alone. Don’t follow me, I’m your boss and you do as I say” Soonyoung warned, picking up some dynamite and preparing a bag of it.

“Are you freaking nuts?” Wonwoo asked, getting up from his chair to give each of them a chip. “I guess I am” Soonyoung answered, zipping the bags and going to change in appropriate clothes.

That’s when Jeonghan exploded “KWON SOONYOUNG” he stomped, approaching his boss while he was dressing, taking the clothes out of his hands – gaining a murderous look in response.

“You are our boss," he starts "That’s true but you are our family too, a friend and we are not going to let you go alone. We don’t want to repeat what happened last time. We are going to freaking fucking him over this time, and all together. Am I clear or not?” Jeonghan rambled, face red from worry and anger.

“Jeonghan hyung.”

“Soonyoung, believe in us.”

He sighed and nodded, grabbing his pants and wearing them “Seungkwan stays with Wonwoo, we are not risking his legs.”

Seungkwan rolled his eyes and sits beside Wonwoo “They always get all the fun, but okay I understand”.

“if you are all ready, let’s go. We don’t have time to lose, stop being dramatic” Mingyu uttered, guns in his pants and bags on his shoulders.

“yeah, let’s go”

***

When the first bat touched his stomach, Jihoon thought he was going to cry out from pain but no tears fell down. Not even when in the darkness, a man gripped his hair so hard he thought they were going to fall, slapping him in the face with rings-covered hands. The only hope he had in his heart was not to survive at the moment, but to remember at least the day of their marriage, and tell Soonyoung before he died.

“You are not even putting a fight, it’s not funny” the man spat on him, kicking him in the stomach – getting a pained groan out of him as response “Your little boyfriend isn’t coming to save you” he laughed and Jihoon did what he thought it was the best. He spat blood on his shoes “Maybe it’s better if he doesn’t come” he said, gaining another kick in his stomach.

“Why?”

“Do you know what happens to people who hurts a mafia boss’s husband, right?” Jihoon looked at him, no expression on his features “They get killed." The man only laugh edat him “Maybe I shouldn’t kick you so hard, we need to keep you sane enough” he said before leaving the smaller alone. “What a bitch”

 

***

As soon as he got the notice, Joshua left his undercover position, flying back to Korea. Much more alike to Soonyoung, he was panicking all the way to his homeland, worried about what would happen to his boyfriend. He just hoped for the best.

Dressed in all black, he reached the group who was waiting for him. He patted Soonyoung on his shoulder, to encourage him even if he himself was dying inside from worry and revenge’s desire. The younger only hummed in response as he wore  his ear-in-piece.

However they did not except the call they got a few minutes later. Kwon Jiyong had called, wanting to make a deal. Jihoon and Seokmin in exchange of stocks in the black market and drug-trade line. He _invited_ Soonyoung over to _sign a contract_.

“Does he thinks we are this stupid?” Vernon asked, more questioning his own self, rather then the others.  “He is doing exactly what he thinks we will do.” Seungcheol answered him nonetheless, gripping at the steering wheel of their black van.

“I’m going in” Soonyoung said, activating the chip inside his ear piece. He looked up at them “I know he is trying to set a trap, that’s why you guys are going to back me and Joshua up”

Joshua nodded, looking to his left and right  “We can make it look as they are going to leave us alone, then come back with another car”

“Why do I feel like we are going to end up stealing a ice cream van?” Jeonghan groaned , ready to call his cousin for an _ice cream truck._ “Because that’s exactly what we are going to do” Seungcheol said, activating his ear piece to communicate with Wonwoo and Seungkwan, telling them the change in plan.

“Guys...” Soonyoung called for their attention  “When you enter their security system, if you see something weird or hear guns shooting, come right over and tear down that motherfucking place”

“Don’t worry, Minghao and Jun will surely bring it down” Jeonghan reassured them,  as he watched two of his members going out, to meet the _mouse._

_***_

“I clearly said to come alone. Why did you bring this feminine looking fucker with you?” Kwon Jiyong asks, getting up from his chair in his studio, to approach the other two. Joshua glares at him “You kidnapped my boyfriend too”

Jiyong pulls a face, nodding in understanding “Aah so the other kid is a faggot too. Oh well,” he shrugged, before patting his shoulder "Welcome, then". Joshua really wants to reach for that hand, twist it painfully and smash him on the ground but he knows his place, he knows he had to keep quiet if they want to win him over. Soonyoung feels fury inside his self, but he needs to keep it down too.

“Do you realize what you’ve done two years ago? Why are you trying to repeat history?” Soonyoung begins, eyes confronting the other’s. 

“and do you realize you can’t wipe down a mafia group like you did to mine,  you need to respect the hierarchy even if you are at the top” Jiyong looks at him in haste. The two snickers at the statement “You attacked us first, we only doubled the price for your mistakes” Joshua explains, the urge of beating him up still afire in his blood.

“I can still make everyone revolt against you since you hold the largest share of market and wiped one group. I can convince the rest you will do that to them too” Jiyong laughs “But we didn’t meet here to talk about why we do things, let’s talk money”

“Where are they?” Soonyoung asks directly “I want to see both of them, I don’t want any scratch on them”.

“oh.. you will see them. I’m not that cruel, of course I would let you two see them but once you sign this” Jiyong answers, giving them a copy of the contract which Soonyoung reads it immediately, eyes boring the pages.  "You want what? The Golden Triangle drug trade?"

Jiyong nods, playing with the globe on his desk, pointing to  different areas of the Earth as he speaks  “that, and the arms in Afghanistan. Plus a share on the black market connected with China and North Korea, I need to build back, you know”

“That's nut. Are you sure you can control this area by yourself?” Joshua blurts out, taking the contract and reading it “Do you even know how the arms-dealing market with America works?

“You don’t need to worry about that” Jiyong scowls “I’m pretty sure you don’t want to see your boyfriend bent and abused over a counter, do you?”

“Do  that, and I can make sure you get hanged by the balls” Soonyoung takes the contract, smashing it over the desk. “Give me the pen”  he signs it.

“Good thing, young boy, good thing” Jiyong applauds “Now, do you want to see your boys?” he smiles evilly.

“You show us the way”

***

“Bring the boys in” Jiyong says, ordering through his phone to bring his hostages in. A few moment later, two men open up the front door allowing some other guards to bring Seokmin and Jihoon in one of the building- non used-rooms.

Joshua and Soonyoung see it red. Red from fury and anger, when they realizes the state the two were in. Soonyoung grittes his teeth, when he notices his husband and friend’s bloodied shirt and irregular breaths. “I told you I didn’t want to see any scratch on them. What did you do to them?” he asks raising his voice, approaching the other man with stomping feet.

Joshua’s heart breaks at the sight before his eyes, rushing  to their sides to help them. One of the man warns him off, but he smashes their heads together before they can act. Soon guns are pointed over their heads and shoulders, a laugh echoing through the thin air.

“I didn’t do anything too bad. Only a little beating to remind who was  in control” Jiyong answers as he takes a gun from his pocket, pointing it towards Jihoon, who was glaring at him despite his bad state “Lower your eyes, or I’ll shoot”

“Oh you won’t” Soonyoung smirks, hiding him behind his back as he wears the ear piece and activates it “Guys, let the game begin. Dynamite on the left of the building” he says, and soon a roar is heard, the ground and the walls shaking from the impact. He punches Jiyong in the face, taking the gun out of his hands and pointing back to him.

The other men points their gun at him, ready to aim. “You are not going to kill me, you didn’t do it last time. You won’t ever do it” Jiyong smirks

Taking advantage of the guard’s distracted state since they were aiming to another subject, Joshua picks up the guns from the two he had knocked out earlier, getting on his knees and shooting each guard down. Soon another big noise is heard and the walls shakes even harder, cracking in the middle. 

“I won’t shoot at you. This place will kill you itself” Soonyoung warns, kicking him in the stomach and scurries over to help his husband and friend’s up. He shooks Jihoon’s face to see if he was still conscious.  Barely, but he was there. He runs his fingers through Jihoon’s hair before picking him up over his shoulders. “And of course our deal is invalid. I signed with your name” he grins “I guess this is a goodbye, Kwon Jiyong”

He waits for Joshua to pick Seokmin up and brings them outside. Joshua activates his ear-piece, calling for the others “Dynamite over, sends  someone. We need help with Jihoon and Seokmin"

“Let’s go to the first floor, gun in hand. Shot anyone who tries to stop us” Soonyoung orders as he adjust the smaller on his back, giving him a piggy ride “try hold onto me, babe. We are getting out” he whispers, gaining a soft pained groan as response and arms weakly latching around his neck.

They go to the first floor, taking down any one interfering their way. Joshua puts Seokmin down against a wall, to open the first door, letting two of the other members get in. “God, what did they do to them?” Seungcheol says as he step inside with his uzi.

“I don’t know. I want everyone dead. Once we get out, destroy everything” Joshua says, as he calls Minghao and Jun up.

“Do you think I would let you go so easily?” a voice is heard from the corridor above the first floor, where armed man are lined up. Jiyong descends the stairs to meet them, gun in hand too. “Oh, look who is here as well. Seungcheol, how are you?” he asks, playing with the gun in his hands and spitting some blood from his mouth.

“I’m pretty fine. Don't know about you though" 

“I don’t think that’s what you should say with arms lined against you” he argues, pointing to his men on the back.

“I heard there is a building in the back of this place” Jeonghan enters the scene, a non identified object in his hands.

“God, you bitch why are you always blabbering around?” Jiyong points his gun at him, stress curling as wrinkles on his forehead as soon as he saw the reddish brown haired guy. Jeonghan glares at him, pressing the button on the object. “Minghao and Jun are going to answer your question instead of me” he says, and soon something smashes against the walls and the men are falling from the stairs, run over by gru and mechanical trucks.

Jiyong’s mouth falls agape as someone shoots him in the back. Park Kyung Mi enters the scene, enraged by the sight before her eyes, her sons badly beaten. “Finally I can kill you” she says as she corners him, gun pointed to him, fear of dying evident on his face, pressed down on the cold tile. 

“M-mum..?” a weak voice call, the chaos waking him up. Soekmin didn’t expect to see his mum shooting a man down.  "We need to go, Seokmin,"  Joshua hushes him down before referring to his mother   "Mrs. Park forget about that man, let’s get away from here”

Said woman nods, kicking Jiyong in the stomach in the process, making the man on the floor spit even more blood as his body shook violently from the pain. She heads over them to help her son, while Jeonghan and Seungcheol help getting Jihoon down from Soonyoung’s back. However, they didn’t notice the man on the ground shakily reaching for the gun on the floor, whit-list coughing more blood.

He managed to pick it up, aiming it up for what his foggy vision allowed and shooting twice.The bullet reached Soonyoung, shock pulsating through his body as his eyes widened at the sudden pain. He fell down, vision clogged and ears ringing, as the ground continued to shake from dynamites' explosions. 

“SOONYOUNG” Jihoon shouted as he saw him falling down from the corner of his eyes, scurrying limply to side to help him. “GUYS HELP ME HE IS BLEEDING” he cried, a shriek running along his spine as more memories came up to him, one after another as he tried to stop the blood from rushing outside. “S-soonie.. Don’t die on me. D-don’t freaking dare” he tries to wipe his tears, blood smearing on his face as he is suddenly picked up by Jeonghan and Vernon, who had just joined the scene. Their expression tremble at the sight of his boss and friend on the ground.

Seungcheol goes over to pick him up, trying not to mess with his spine. “Truck here, immediately” he earpieces Mingyu, who was left alone in the white ice cream van they stole. He looks one time behind “Your death is coming” he says before running outside, away from that place.

***

Tears. Jihoon doesn't even remember how much he cried. Was it because his was holding onto his restored memories? Or was it the pain from knowing the person you’ve finally remembered is on the verge of dying?  Soonyoung had looked so cold on the hospital gurney, pained features and eyes flickering.

A warm hand of a mother was comforting him, but the tears kept streaming down. Her voice reminds him of taking a deep breath and releasing it, through his cries. He doesn't do it. He holds his breath in, scared of time flowing the wrong way.

Panic arises when more doctors rush inside the surgery room, no one tells him what is going on even if he keeps asking. His ears ring and more pain fills him when his heart tells him what he knew it was coming. Half an hour later, he gets the answer he feared to be faced with. “ _I’m sorry, we’ve done our best but the patient lost too much blood. He couldn’t make i_ t”

All eyes turns to him, sadness personifies and looks at him, through him. He wishes such pity wouldn't be laid on him. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? 

He wants him back, wants to be with the person who only tried to love him, to cherish his heart even if Jihoon didn't remember him. Oh, how much he wished he would have remembered them sooner. He wanted to tell him he loved him, that he remembered him.  He could only say that to a grave now, hoping his words to be heard from that somewhere over the rainbow where he was staying. 

But the truth is that he really wanted to die in that moment, embracing SoonYoung the way the other had done with him, like the moon does to the sun during the eclipse. 

***

**Current time Seoul 8.00 am**

Tossing and curling in his bed, Soonyoung was having another of his nightmares. Drenched in sweat and tears, he wakes up moments later, breath labored and hair sticking out in every place. His heart clenches at the fresh memories of his dream.

It had been the third time. He kept dreaming about a story where he was one of the protagonist. His friends were there too, though he didn't recognize some of them. Furthermore, he didn’t know who the Lee Jihoon of his dreams/nightmare was. He looked somewhat familiar, maybe he had seen him somewhere, or maybe he hadn't.

He glances around his room, noticing a few cans of beer sprawled on the floor “Maybe I should stop drinking. Those weird ass dreams keep getting weirder and scary”. He gets up, takes a shower and cleans his room. He goes out later, strolling around his favorite park with an iced latte in his left hand. He thinks it tastes shitty and should have asked for more whipped cream but he drinks it anyway.

He sits down on a bench and stares at the cup, snickering at his own thoughts “it’s funny how in that dream I wished you would remember me or us, yet I don’t even know who you are”.  He closes his eyes for a moment, enjoying the chill yet warmth of spring days when a ball thrown  at him, knocks his coffee off, making it spill on his pants. “Fuck” he curses, pissed eyes searching for the culprit.

When he lowers his gaze, he meets the eyes of someone who looks oddly familiar. He stares at him for a few seconds before he realizes the boy from his nightmares was standing in front of, looking pissed as fuck Soonyoung was staring at him, gawping with disbelief in his eyes.  “Look, I’m sorry but can I have my ball back?” the smaller asks, eyes darting to look for his ball.

“Yah" Soonyoung regains control over his brain "You could have hit me on my head. Is this the way you apologize to people?” he asks, narrowing his eyes. “You’ve clearly okay, but I wouldn’t say it for your pants” the shorter comments before taking his ball from the ground.

“You own me a coffee and new pants” Soonyoung states, puffing out his cheeks.

The other rolls his eyes “I’m busy today, come and find me later”

"But where?"

“Over there” he indicates with his finger a coffee shop over the other side of the park “Tomorrow 9 am, don’t be late” he says before going away, leaving a speechless Soonyoung behind. He wondered for a moment whether to go meet that guy tomorrow or not, but on the way home he found himself lost in the thoughts of him, and how blonde short hair looked so good on him,  instead of that fire red he had dreamed him with.

_They say if you dream enough, your dreams come true. Does that apply to nightmares, to dreams?_

_Where everything falls down, spiraling down in violence and hopeful utopias?_

Soonyoung can’t find an answer to his questions, but he thinks that the peach blossom tree in front of his house looks prettier today. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so, after seven years of writing but never publishing stuff - also because I lose drafts all the time lol - I'm finally posting one of my latest work.  
> I'll post the prologue first, once I finish the rest of this one shot I'll upload it.  
> I don't know when I will finish it since I'm studying for uni fall session but I'm almost finished so I think it would be up not too soon, but soon enough.  
> English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. I'm my own beta, lazy beta who doesn't really like to proofread.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it, thanks for reading (if anyone would read this LOL)


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